Taming The Wild Beast, Plot

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Vincit walked away from Gauss’ side and stood in contemplation for a moment, amongst the carnage. Dead bodies were strewn everywhere. For once, you couldn’t smell the oranges, but the stench of rotting flesh wasn’t that much of an improvement..

‘All right.’ He said thoughtfully. ‘Now what the HELL is going on here??? Between crazy broads trying to kill me a whole bunch of times, enchanted rocks, zombies, guys showing up out of nowhere, guys with wings of various types, guys with blasty powers, fireballs, evil twins, my own arm doing freaky shit without my sayso, armies of zombies, I leave town, get as far as the goddamned suburbs, almost become crispy fried Vinny when a gas station blows up on me, destroying my goddamned cookies, I end up back in town, armies of zombies, and oh, did I mention the army of freakin’ ZOMBIES??’

He looked down.

‘This whole thing stinks.’ He said, contemplatively. He stuck a cigarette in his mouth and lit it, taking a drag, then shook the lighter out and stuck it in his shirt pocket. ‘Stinks like this town.’

‘Hah. Yeah.’ Oscar said, waving his hand in front of his nose. ‘It is pretty bad.’

‘I’m fairly sure the army of zombies was indirectly my fault.’ Gauss said, looking around. He had honestly expected more of Moebius than this sort of ridiculous third-rate necromancer’s display. Nevertheless, one can hardly question the aesthetic taste of the insane.

‘Doesn’t matter whose fault it is.’ Vinny said, chewing on the cigarette. There was no point pointing fingers. It was obvious the culprit was some sort of cruel, giggling Fate, bent on ruining this and every day for him. He looked at the other three. It was amazing how as soon as a fight began, they suddenly gained purpose and direction, but now were just sitting around, aimlessly. ‘Let’s begin at the beginning we shoulda begun at before we began….um…yeah, anyway.’ That didn’t even make sense. He pointed at Oscar. ‘You. I think we already said, but those other two don’t know. Name, occupation?’

‘Eh?’ Oscar blinked. ‘Oh, Oscar. No occupation, really. I just go..around, you know..’

‘Who’s that guy who keeps showing up out of no-where and beating on you and anyone who happens to be near ya?’ That guy was really starting to piss Vinny off. What was his beef? Maybe some kind of a family squabble, they looked related.

Oscar frowned. ‘That’s Joel.’ He said, darkly. ‘It’s a long story.’

‘It can wait.’ It sounded like one of those long stories that most people prefer not to hear. Vinny shifted his pointing to Jon. ‘How about you?’

‘Prithee, point thy weapon of mass destruction not at me.’ Jon said, back in Middle English again.

‘Huh?’ Vinny looked at his arm. ‘Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot.’ He lowered it. Probably best to be careful, for all he knew it might go off bang suddenly. He was sure he’d heard it crackle and give off blue sparks once or twice.

‘Jonathan Ebenezer Krigsley the Third, Paladin of the Seraphic Order.’

‘Whassa Paladin?’ Vinny asked, confused. ‘Sounds like a toilet cleaner.’

Jon sighed at the seemingly unending stupidity of the unbeliever and shook his head. ‘Fighty with swordy for God?’

‘You could’ve just said ‘Knight’ you know, I’m not completely dumb.’ Vinny responded, angrily. Okay yeah, it wasn’t as if he knew that much about knights, he’d seen Excalibur twice and that was about it. Something about horses and women in pointy hats that made it look like someone had dropped an ice-cream on their necks.

‘That remains to be seen.’ Jon replied, nastily.

‘Grrr.’ Vinny chucked a leash over his rapidly temper and turned to Gauss.

‘Prince Wernher Gauss. Of the Gamezohan Empire. Occupation: Ruler and Deity.’

‘Do I have to call you your royal highness or something?’ Vinny blanched at the thought of paying obeisance to anybody, but you do worry about a guy with 20 carat eyes and an eight-foot wingspan.

‘No, Gauss will be just fine.’ Gauss said, politely.

‘Good. Okay. I’m Vincit. Vinny. No fixed occupation. ’ Vinny rubbed his hands together. ‘Now we’ve all been introduced, why the hell are we all here?’

Oscar shrugged. ‘I was just on my way from A to B, y’know. Got caught up.’ That seemed to happen to him a lot. Just minding his own business, going down to the shops to get a coffee, whatever, and poof, some horrible being from the nether dimensions just shows up and starts causing havok.

‘I think I’ve been usurped.’ Gauss said glumly. ‘Not that I found ruling in any way interesting. It’s just the principle of the thing, you know?’ Ignorant peons, depose him? He’d have his wrath soon enough, yeah. But just now he felt he could do with a break..

‘I seek the 14th most powerful object in the universe for my Order.’ Jon said, glaring at Vinny.

’I already said, you ain’t cutting it out of me.’

‘It is for a glorious and noble cause.’

‘I don’t give a flying fuck. Look, I think even if you cut me open and fed my entrails to the birds, which you can’t, you wouldn’t find the damn thing. It kinda…merged with me. Melted into some icky stuff and disappeared into my hand.’ Vinny looked at his left arm with mild disgust. ‘Anyway, you want it, I want it out, for the moment, we want the same thing. You other two… well, I guess it’s up to you whether you want to hang around.’

‘It’s not like I’ve anything better to do.’ Oscar said. And even if he did, some horrible creature would no doubt interrupt him. Or Joel.

‘Beats sitting in my room being told I’m not behaving like a proper prince.’ Gauss agreed. Pretty much anything beat sitting in his room being told he wasn’t behaving like a prince. Well, maybe being stuck in the castle on privy cleaning day…

‘Well, great, that’s settled then. Good to have you along for the ride.’ Vinny said, attempting to show some kind of enthusiasm. ‘You..er…Sir Lancelot.’

‘I am insulted. Du Lac was a fornicator.’ Jon scowled.

‘Yeah, yeah, whatever. Your order or whatever, did they tell you anything about the rock?’

‘No. Only that is was powerful and I must fetch it.’

‘You didn’t ask them?’

‘One does not question the Order.’

‘If the order told you to go jump off a cliff, would you do it?’

Jon looked at Vinny with a strange expression, as if he had asked him whether rain existed, or if George Bush was stupid.

‘Of course.’ He said. ‘Without a moment’s hesitation.’

Vinny blinked. Could anyone really be that nuts? He looked at Jon’s shaven head and tattoos and decided yes, someone could.

‘Man, I’ve known you less than a day and I’m already worried about you.’ Vinny shook his head.

‘Do not trouble yourself.’ Jon said, utterly missing the point.

‘Whatever you say. Anybody else got any ideas?’

‘I know one or two people who might know, but none that I’ve ever heard mention the er…rock. We could ask around.’ Oscar suggested. He knew mages, archivists, people in his area who specialised in magical objects.

‘Why don’t you ask it?’ Gauss asked, as if this were obvious.

Vinny and Oscar looked at him. ‘Whaddaya mean?’ Vinny asked.

‘Oh, you know. Divine. Pendula, Forked ash sticks and suchlike. It’s hardly my area of expertise.’

‘And in English?’ Vinny asked.

‘If your vocabulary is lacking, it’s hardly my fault.’

‘What is this, ‘Call Vinny Stupid’ Day? Between you and King Arthur there, I’ve had about enough’

‘Heaven forbid.’

‘My NAME is JONATHAN, fangéd spawn of SATAN!!!!!’

‘Okay, that’s it.’ Vinny rolled up his sleeves, pointedly. ‘Break me off a switch, son, cause there’s gonna be a whuppin’.’

‘Oh, enough with the testosterone!’ Oscar yelled. ‘Honestly, you’re like children. Now for God’s sake, grow up and apologise to each other.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Yeah, sorry.’

‘Sorry.’

‘All right.’ Oscar rubbed his temples. He was starting to get a headache. ‘What were you saying before, Gauss?’

‘I was saying perhaps he could use his subconscious to access the power of the 14th most powerful object. Pick letters out of a bag, use a pendulum to question it, etcetera.’ Gauss suggested.

‘That’s a good one. Does anybody got a pendulum or letters or anything?’

Everybody searched their possessions, the immediate vicinity and the bodies of nearby zombies.

‘We could write them on a piece of paper?’ Gauss wondered. ‘I don’t have any paper, though.’

‘I’d say…no.’ Oscar said, wiping bodily fluids off his fingers on a chunk of rubble. ‘Plan B?’

Vinny looked at his left arm. Well, it might as well make itself useful. ‘Okay, I have an idea. This is a long shot, but it just might work.’ He held up his arm and poked it. Blue sparks fizzled along the surface, leaving a pleasant tingling feeling. The other three visibly shifted away from it.

‘All right, little..whatever you are…if you can hear me… make my arm point to where we can find out about you, what you want from me, and more importantly how the hell I get you ouuUUEEAAAAHH !!!’

Suddenly, the arm seemed to develop a life of it’s own, and whipped sideways, spun around a few times, twitching and dragging the poor confused Vinny around with it, then jerked into a rigidly straight position, straining and pointing into the sky above him like a very large dog that just smelled a cat and is going to get it’s owner to join in the chase, whether they like it or not.

Oscar, Gauss and Jon stared, open-mouthed.

‘That was trippy.’ Oscar commented.

‘Egad…he is possessed.’ Jon said.

‘Glad to see you’re keeping up with events.’ Gauss said, sarcastically.

‘Augh…..I think….it dislocated my shoulder…ah, the pain…’ Vinny moaned. ‘Can you tell what I’m pointing at? It won’t actually….let me move and it’s kinda pulling….ow…I think I just heard my tendons snap.’

Oscar leaned over Vinny’s shoulder and peered down his arm, as if it were a rifle sight. Vinny winced at this invasion of his personal space, but put up with it.

‘I think you’re pointing at that star in the middle and to the left in Cassiopaeia.’

Gauss appeared on the other side, forcing Vinny to twitch away from him.

‘Isn’t it that reddish one more to the right and near the top of that line made by the three?’

‘Well, you would say that, you’re at a different angle from me, aren’t you?’ Oscar pointed out.

Jon stood on tiptoe behind Vinny’s left shoulder and looked across. Vinny twitched again.

‘Nay, tis clearly the blue one to the right of the bright one in the middle.’

‘GAH! For fuck’s sake, STOP CROWDING ME!’ Vinny exploded, adding further stress to his screaming tendons.

Everyone jumped back in surprise.

‘No need to overreact.’ Gauss chided.

‘Jesus, man, you’d overreact if your arm was trying to pull itself off.’

‘Hey! Take ye not the name of the Lord in vain.’ Jon complained.

‘Right now I’m more concerned about my veins, thanks!’

‘Heh. Veins, Vain.’ Oscar grinned. Vinny and Jon glared at him. ‘Sorry..it was funny.’

‘Anyway.’ Vinny gritted his teeth and tried to deal. ‘I know which star I’m pointing at. It’s the little yellowish one just to the left of the big red one in the middle.’

‘Oh yeah, I see it.’ Oscar said. ‘Does anyone know what it’s called?’

Jon shook his head. Gauss looked thoughtful. He searched his incredible memory. Star charts, star charts… he remembered nosing in the office of the last royal astronomer, the pattern of stars looked familiar from somewhere. Just a little closer…ah, got it.

‘I think..’ He said. ‘It’s called ‘B7765123.’

Vinny’s arm suddenly released itself. He’d been leaning into it to compensate for the pull and when the tension was released, it made him overbalance. He collapsed on the floor, landing on the shoulder.

‘AAAARRGHHooooh…’

‘Weakling.’ Muttered Jon.’

‘I heard that…argharghargh.’

---

 

‘Oookaaay.’ Gauss flourished a piece of paper. ‘This is what I could get on B7765123.’

 

Vinny stood behind him and peered over his shoulder, slurping at a slushie. ‘Wassat?’

 

‘It’s a piece of paper.’ Gauss replied, scowling and moving away from Vinny.

 

‘What do we have?’ Oscar asked, ignoring him.

 

Gauss ran his finger down the page, murmuring. ‘The star doesn’t have a name, because none of the galactic authorities have considered it worth more than a simple survey. Class two star... hydrogen-argon core....ah, this looks promising. Two satellites, approximately the same size, called, unsurprisingly enough, B7765123A and B7765123B.’

 

‘You think that’s where we should start looking?’ Vinny asked, producing yet another cigarette from apparently nowhere and sticking it in the side of his mouth not occupied by a slushie straw.

 

‘Well, unless you think we could find an expert on the most powerful objects in the universe in the middle of a giant flaming ball of gas, yes.’

 

‘Oh..ehe...yeah.’ Vinny pulled his lighter out of his pocket and lit the cigarette.

 

‘Okay.’ Oscar nodded. ‘We can take slipgates as far as Cassiopaeia Tertius. From there we’ll have to hitch-hike. Unless anyone happens to have a spacecraft we can use.’

 

‘You know, that’s so irritating...’ Gauss said, tapping his chin thoughtfully. ‘I finally have a use for the royal flagship, and I’ve no way of getting at it.’

 

‘Yeah. Bummer.’ Oscar agreed.

 

‘Ahem.’ John interrupted. ‘Vincit appears to be on fire.’

 

It should be noted that using a cigarette lighter whilst one is holding a cardboard slushie cup is an unwise thing to do, as Vinny had just discovered. Luckily the slushie was wet enough to put the flames out.

 

‘Augh.’ Said Vinny, strawberry flavoured ice dripping from his nose. ‘Do I have slushie on my face?’

 

Gauss winced, and handed him a pristine, lace edged handkerchief. Vinny mopped his face and front, blew his nose noisily and made to hand it back. Gauss winced again. ‘Keep it. I have a million more at home. Unless they burned them all or something...oh, I did like those black silk ones.’ Gauss mused, wistfully.

 

‘Thanks. Hey, I bet they’re still there, I mean why burn perfectly good handkerchiefs?’

 

Gauss smiled.

 

‘They’ll probably make them into bedspreads or something.’

 

Gauss choked.

 

‘Would you stop messing about, please?’ Oscar said. ‘We are doing this for your benefit, you know.’

 

‘Yeah. Sorry.’ Vinny cleared his throat and wiped a dribble of strawberry flavoured water out of his hair with the back of his hand. ‘We were going to a slipgate?’

 

‘Yes.’ Oscar nodded.

 

‘Nearest one’s in Fort Meade, five miles that way.’ Vinny pointed. ‘Agh, my shoulder...’

 

---

 

About Six Hours Later, on Cassiopaiea Tertius One,

 

Three moons shone in the night sky, one yellow, one green, one a sort of horrible lurid magenta-violet colour. Cassiopaeia Tertius One, the planet named, unoriginally after the third star in Cassiopaeia that it circled, was a mining planet. The moons that circled it were rich in rare minerals and so the planet, with it’s breathable atmosphere was very useful as a base of operations. As a result, the whole place was crawling with drunken miners and shifty salesmen providing for them. The bonus was that space traffic came through this area very frequently, ferrying loads of ore for processing on the planets of Cassiopaeia Septus. Oscar hastily constructed a hitch-hiker’s friend, a low-wave transmitter that friendly cargo-haulers who wanted a bit of company on the galaxy-long trek would respond to, then they found a quiet area where they could set it running, and before long there was a response.

 

‘What the....?’

 

‘Sorcery! Black Magic! Demon Bed Babies!’

 

‘You could have warned us...’ Gauss surreptitiously hid his wings and shifted to a much more human form so as not to alarm anyone.

 

‘Sorry.’ Said Oscar. ‘I didn’t know they’d zap us up so quickly. Demon bed babies?’

 

‘I am flustered. I do not like being suddenly dematerialised without warning.’ Jon complained. ‘Do not expect me to make sense.’

 

‘You boys gonna bicker all day, or you going to tell me where you wanna be dropped off?’

 

‘Oh yeah.’ Oscar joined the driver at the helm. He was a jolly looking little man with a greasy cap on his head, surrounded by dehydrated food packets. ‘Thanks for picking us up. We just need a lift as far as...what was that number again?’

 

‘B7765123A.’ Gauss reeled off the numbers. The driver turned around and grinned toothily at the other three. ‘Well, ain’t you a funny looking bunch. What you got that sword for, King Arthur?’

 

Vinny chuckled, gleefully. Jon growled. Oscar quickly interceded before anything could escalate. ‘We really appreciate your giving us a lift, don’t we guys? DON’T we guys?’

 

There was all round nodding and agreement, in some cases fairly grudgingly.

 

‘What d’ya wanna go to that no horse one-sat’llite backwater for anyway?’ The driver asked, grinning cheerfully. He was obviously pleased to have some company. ‘Ye don’t look like miners or survey people. Ye don’t really look like anything in particlar.’

 

Vinny tipped his hat to the driver and smiled. Sharp canines winked in the eyeburning white cabin lighting. ‘Let’s just say we’re going to see a man about some business.’

 

‘Ah...that sorta business, eh?’ The driver chuckled and tapped his nose. ‘You won’t hear no questions from me. Gimme the latest news anyway. You don’t hear nothing about anything driving these hauls.’

 

The four decamped on the passenger seat and the various highly uncomfortable fixtures, helped themselves to unappetising dehydrated food at the driver’s behest and generally made themselves as comfortable as possible, whilst Gauss and Oscar gave the driver a blow by blow account of recent galactic politics and who that Playalien model with the six breasts was sleeping with now. Before they knew it, they had reached their destination. The driver gave him his callsign and told them they were welcome to use it, since most of the other drivers were drinking buddies of his, and they were pretty tight and suchlike.

 

B7765123A was an average sized planet, swathed in purplish-lilac clouds with a lot of water. There seemed to be very little landmass at all, and most of it was condensed around near the magnetic pole. There seemed to be a lot of tropical storms circling the equator area. Oscar asked that they to be put down on one of the more temperate landmasses, which were fairly far north. And thus they were.

 

Vinny broke the surface and spat out a spray of weeds, murky water and a small frog-like thing that tasted like wet lettuce. He dragged his soaking mop of long black hair out of his eyes and looked around. He was in the middle of a wide lake surrounded by tall, pale blue pine-like woods . Off to the left the mountains sloped down to a wide u-shaped glacial valley. The shores of the lake were some kind of greyish-white pebbles. The surface of the lake reflected the sky’s deep lilac-purple. Gauss appeared from under the water and shook his head violently, spraying purplish water all around. He looked at Vinny, dripping and trod water.

 

‘He might have aimed a little better.’ He commented.

 

‘Probably thought it was a funny joke.’ Vinny replied, wiping his eyes. He looked around. ‘Can you see Oscar and Jon?’

 

Gauss sneezed. ‘No.’ He said, wiping water from his face.

 

‘I guess I better look for them.’ Vinny handed Gauss his soaking, soggy hat, took a breath and dived under the water. He peered through the purplish murk, eyes flashing red and swimming with strong, wide strokes around the area where he’d surfaced, reasoning that they all should have landed together, or at least close by. His coat and boots were heavy on him and he contemplated kicking them off, but decided he’d need them later. This was no good, he couldn’t see anything. He closed his eyes and listened. There was a faint ‘mm!’ sound from off to his left and behind him. He kicked quickly and headed towards the noise. There he found Jon pulling frantically at Oscar’s legs, which seemed to be wound around with ropes of trailing weed. Jon looked up and saw two glowing red things appearing out of the gloom, and let out what could only be described as an underwater ‘eep’. Vinny grinned and swam into view, giving him the thumbs up sign. Jon breathed a bubble of relief, then pointed madly at Oscar who looked much the worse for wear. Vinny swiped Jon’s sword from its scabbard and hacked at the weeds with it and his claws, ripping with all his strength. Oscar’s body jerked free as Jon pulled on it and began swimming up to the surface. Vinny slid up behind him and helping support Oscar’s weight. They hit the surface in a group, spraying water everywhere. Jon took a massive breath and choked, coughing up water.

 

‘What’s going on?’ Gauss asked, wiping water from his face.

 

‘Help me get him to dry land.’ Vinny replied. Gauss wordlessly took hold of Oscar’s arms, then appeared to leap out of the water, shaking his wings free, and flapped into the air, carrying Oscar’s still form.

 

Vinny watched him fly towards the ‘Or you could do that. Need a hand?’ He grinned at Jon. The paladin looked at him funny. Vinny offered him his sword back. He took it. He looked down into the water.

 

‘Aye.’ He said. Vinny grabbed Jon’s arm and slung it over his shoulder, nearly dislocating it. ‘That was for that ‘weakling’ thing.’ He said, dragging the exhausted and astonished paladin towards the shore. Jon chuckled.

 

---

 

They waded out of the lake to find a pale Oscar coughing up water and weeds and a disgusted-looking Gauss standing next to him, shaking his wings dry. Vinny let go of Jon, who stood on his own two feet, wobbling slightly and resheathed his sword.

 

‘Why are you looking like that?’ Vinny asked.

 

‘Like what?’ Gauss asked, wiping his mouth obsessively.

 

‘Like you just ate a lemon and spinach flavour shitcake.’

 

Jon snickered. ‘Vincit. Dost thou not see Brother Oscar is breathing?’

 

Vinny looked at Oscar and then back at Gauss, then back at Oscar, then back at Gauss. A smile began to spread over his face. ‘You’re kidding.’

 

‘I don’t want to *cough* talk about it’ Oscar spluttered.

 

It was too late, Vinny and Jon had collapsed on the floor laughing. Oscar and Gauss glared daggers of evil hatred and embarrassment at them. If looks could kill, they would have been six feet under, in several hundred pieces, each one pinned down by a tiny sharp piece of barbed metal.

 

‘HOLD, IN THE NAME OF THE MOST HIGH ONE!’ Someone yelled.

 

Everyone turned to look. Through the trees, a small party of what could probably be described as people, were approaching, pointing spears. They were all around five foot tall, with large pointy teeth, watery pure black eyes, and fishlike heads of a greasy greenish-brown colour. They smelled awful.

 

‘Holy fuck!’ Vinny said, taking a step back. ‘It’s Mickey the Cod’s fishlike mafia buddies...they followed me all the way here?!’

 

‘That’s what I call persistent.’ Oscar said, standing up.

 

‘Brother Vincit.’ Jon said, tapping him on the shoulder. ‘I do not believe these strange-looking fellows are what you fear them to be. They do not seem to know you.’

 

‘By the Most High One, they are ugly.’ One of the fishpeople whispered to another. ‘See how small their heads are and how out of proportion their bodies. They look like females..’

 

‘Hey! I’m no broad, you...’ Vinny made to move towards the fishmen but was stopped by Jon’s firm hand on his shoulder.

 

Gauss walked over to who he assumed was the leader and made the traditional formal bow and hand movements of an envoy of the Gamezohan Empire. ‘Greetings. I am Prince Gauss of the Gamezohan Empire. My companions and I come in peace in search of knowledge. We seek a sage or wise one who may reside here.’

 

The fish people seemed to perk up, though it was impossible to tell from their expressions exactly what they were feeling.

 

‘Greetings, your highness. We are honoured you have come from beyond the stars to visit our humble planet and pray you may find what you seek here.’ The probably-captain replied, bowing. ‘The wisest person on our planet is the Most High One.’ You could hear the capital letters in his voice. ‘We shall take you and your companions to her immediately.’

 

‘”We come in peace.”’ Jon sighed. ‘Dear Lord...’

 

‘Take us to your leader.’ Vincit snickered.

 

‘Shut up.’ Gauss snapped. ‘This is still for your benefit. And take your damned hat back, I don’t want it.’

 

‘Sorry.’

 

---

 

They were conveyed to a splendid, but it must be said, slightly damp and funny smelling palace and through wet walled halls to a humid and opulent (apart from the smell) chamber with rich wall-hangings (probably made of some waterproof fabric). On a crystal throne, sparkling with water droplets, in the middle of the chamber, surrounded by fishy attendants, sat a regal-looking figure. She sat up and smiled (well one assumes it was a smile..one assumes it was a she...) as they entered her chamber.

 

‘Welcome, strangers. It is not often that one has visitors.’ She said. She was taller than the rest of the cod people, though there was a certain resemblance. It was clear why the cod guard had mistaken them for ‘females’, since her proportions were slightly more human, having a smaller head in relation to her body. The head itself was covered with glistening tiny blue-white scales, and she wore a small crystal diadem, from which thick, tentacle-like hair cascaded over her shoulders. Her eyes were wide, round and watery, pure black with a hint of red. Her body was thin and shapely and she draped herself over her throne like a boneless cat. She reeked, like everything else, but it was a slightly nicer scent, smelling a little like smoked salmon. Gauss stepped up to the throne and bowed, deeply.

 

‘Ah, you must be the prince.’ She chuckled. Her voice was something like a burbling brook and something like a foetid swamp bubbling. ‘Such manners. What brings you to my quiet little queendom?’

 

As Gauss made his explanations, dotted with complimentary comments and flattering platitudes, Vinny stared, transfixed. He was fairly convinced he’d never seen a broad that gorgeous before, and that smell was driving him wild. Some small part of him tried to point out that she smelled like fish, and she was kind of slimy, and what the hell was wrong with him anyway, she was a fish for fuck’s sake, but the rest of him, mildly intoxicated by something in the air, was infatuated with her.

 

‘Oh.... my..... God.’ He mumbled.

 

‘Brother, do no blasphemy in my presence or I will be sadly forced to strike you down.’ Jon said, turning to look at Vinny. He blinked. ‘Brother, art thou....drooling? Augh..’ He waved a hand in front of Vinny’s face. ‘Vincit?’

 

‘Wha?’

 

‘Wipe thy mouth. It is secreting foulness.’

 

‘Oh. Right.’ Vinny did so with the back of his sleeve, making Jon wince. ‘Wow...she’s just..wow..’

 

Jon looked at the Most High One. ‘She has a certain grace, aye, but none too....it is a foolish man that lets his loins be his guide, be not tempted, remember thy purpose!’

 

Vinny frowned. ‘Purpose...oh, the rock...yeah...’

 

Meanwhile, Gauss was finally getting to the point. ‘O Most High One, we were informed that on one of the planet circling this sun, we would find information concerning the most powerful objects in the universe.’

 

‘And if I had one of these objects, what makes you think I would show it to you?’ The Most High One enquired.

 

‘Of course we would not impose on you in such a way, o most high one, we merely seek information concerning them, and your beautiful planet, being in the vicinity drew us immediately.’

 

‘I am intrigued.’ The Most High one rested her delicate chin on her scaly hand. ‘You wish to find one of these objects? You ask my help in this matter?’

 

Gauss hesitated. Would it be safe to let the Most High One know that one was in their possession? She was evidently interested in getting one for herself. ‘Forgive my error in explaining, Most High one. We seek the information, because we have a problem concerning one of the objects, that we do not know how to solve.’

 

‘Such cryptic words, Prince. Come now, be candid with me.’ She smiled prettily.

 

Vinny was getting impatient. Why couldn’t Gauss just tell the pretty lady what she wanted to know? She obviously just wanted to help. He stepped forward before Jon could stop him and, clasping his hat to chest, made a small bow.

 

‘Uh...hey Most High One. My name’s Vinny..Vincit. And it’s me....the problem that is.’ He stammered. Jeez, what a klutz I am, he though... oh fuck, am I blushing? The Most High One covered her mouth with her hand, clearly amused at the clumsyness of the man. ‘Um.. there was this rock, see. And there was this girl who was trying to get away from this other girl who wanted the rock, and I guess the rock wanted to get away from her too, the second girl, not the first, so it kinda went into me, and now we’re looking for how to get it out....I think that’s it.’

 

The Most High One laughed out loud. I can’t really be arsed with metaphors about her laugh, but think of something watery. Vinny blushed bright red and chewed his hat brim.

 

Gauss fumed internally. What a clumsy idiot the man was. He put on a smile. ‘I’m sorry, my friend is rather impatient, and not well versed in proper manners.’

 

‘I find him quite charming.’

 

Vinny hid his face in his hat. ‘Thanks.’ He mumbled.

 

‘Is he possessed again?’ Jon whispered to Oscar.

 

‘No, I don’t think there’s room for more than two in there.’ Oscar grinned. ‘I just don’t think he’s seen a fellow monster that hot before.’

 

Jon scratched his bald pate, mystified.

 

‘Let me offer you my hospitality whilst I consult with my wisepersons and see if we have the information you seek.’ The Most High One said, graciously. Gauss frowned just a little. This sounded suspiciously like an excuse to keep them here. And what was wrong with Vinny, blurting it out like that, and acting so strangely. This was more than just a silly infatuation, or culture shock. Gauss sniffed the air imperceptibly. His dragon senses detected the telling scent of pheromones. No doubt they kept her people subservient, but with Vinny’s beastlike senses they were having an unprecedented effect. ‘The Most High One is very gracious to humble travellers.’ He said, smiling.

 

‘Nonsense. You have made an otherwise dull day entertaining. Guards, show our guests to the visitors quarters. Perhaps, as a show of peace, you would be kind enough to let us look after your weapons. You have no need of them here.’ The Most High One smiled a sharp-toothed smile. Gauss was mildly annoyed, but he knew that he, Jon and possibly Oscar had enough magic to protect them if anything happened. There was no harm in handing over weapons. He nodded to the others two, who reluctantly handed over their swords, especially in Jon’s case and were escorted off.

 

---

 

They found themselves installed in a chamber, smelling slightly of haddock. It was nicely furnished, with more of the waterproof wall hangings. The fish people seemed to sit mostly near the floor, since all the furniture was fairly low down. Gauss checked the door.

 

‘Locked. Just as I thought.’ He smiled, nastily. So she thought she could keep them prisoner, did she? Well, a simple unlocking cantrip was nothing to him, but what to do afterwards was a different matter. It would be hard to simply walk out without a fight, there were guards outside the chamber, and he could hear them moving around.

 

‘She means to keep us prisoner?’ Jon exclaimed. ‘That Harlot! That Vile Leviathan Spawned Sorceress!’

 

‘We’re in her palace and her guards are outside the door.’ Oscar pointed out. ‘Could I suggest moderating your language a little?’

 

‘Hah. Hast thou seen what the whore has done to Brother Vincit?’

 

Oscar and Gauss looked at Vincit, who was sat on the floor, chin on hands with a dazed look on his face, sighing.

 

Gauss regarded Vinny sadly. ‘She has some kind of a pheromone she must use to control her people. It’s the oldest trick in the book. It didn’t work on me because of my physiology, or you humans because your sense of smell isn’t your strongest, but poor Vinny got it right in the neck, or rather, the nose.’

 

Vinny sighed again. ‘What a broad....’

 

‘That bitch!’ Oscar exclaimed, loudly.

 

‘Brother Oscar.’ Jon said. ‘We are in her palace, and her guards are outside the door, could I sugges...’

 

‘Oh, yes, very funny.’ Oscar interrupted, angrily. Jon chuckled. Just then there was a knock at the door, and a key turned in the lock. One of the guards opened the door.

 

‘The Most High One wishes to see the Beastman.’

 

‘She wants to see me???’ Vinny exclaimed, and fell over with delight. Jon poked him. Oscar sighed.

 

‘Vincit, pay attention.’ Gauss said, leaning over the prone, lovestruck man. Vinny peered up at him.

 

‘Hehe. I can see up your nose.’

 

‘Shut up. You’re drugged. You don’t really feel this way, it’s an illusion. Don’t let her get anything out of you.’

 

‘Uhuh.’ Vinny nodded, smiling and staring into space. Gauss controlled his urge to hit him.

 

‘Here’s the deal.’ Oscar said, smiling sweetly at the guards. ‘If you can get him to get up, you can take him.’

 

‘I’m going. Try to stop me.’ Vinny leapt to his feet and raced out of the door.

 

‘Hey! Wait!’ Gauss called after him. ‘Damn...’

 

---

 

Hat in hands, Vinny was shown into a great chamber. Dark red velvety hangings covered the slimy stone walls, and there was a huge, wide bed in the middle, covered in pillows. Nearby, on a legless chaise longue, the Most High One reclined gracefully.

 

‘Ah.’ She said, lifting a languid hand. ‘The beast-man. What is your name?’

 

‘Vinny...er...Vincit...er...’ Vinny felt all quivery inside. This was ridiculous..what was wrong with him? He’d never got like this over a broad before, no matter how incredibly....incredibly...gorgeous...ohmygod. She was beckoning him over.

 

‘Come, sit before me.’ The Most High One said. Vinny did so, parking himself ungraciously and uncomfortably on the floor in a flurry of coat and black hair.

 

‘Vincit.’ Oh god, she said my name.

 

‘Tell me of this thing you called ‘rock’...’ The Most High One smiled and turned his brain to jelly. He’d do anything for her. What was that smell? It was amazing. It must be her perfume. Like whisky and crushed roses and fresh soap. He took a deep breath.

 

‘What do you want to know?’

 

‘Everything’

 

‘Well, I was sitting in my office, it’s kinda small, but it does me just fine, apart from that damned filing cabinet with the one drawer that doesn’t...’

 

‘Relating to the rock.’

 

‘Jeez, was I babbling? I am so incredibly sorry..’

 

‘Never mind. My, what fascinating arms you have...’

 

‘Hey, thanks.’

 

‘I wonder what they’d feel like against my naked skin...’

 

‘Ohmyfuckingod.’

 

---

 

‘There.’ Gauss said, satisfied, as he finished off the unlocking cantrip. ‘Now.’ The lock clicked and he pushed the door open. Jon stepped through and swiftly dispatched the guards with a buckler to the side of the head. Oscar followed and shut the door behind him.

 

‘Okay.’ He said. ‘One: We get our stuff back. They stole the hitch-hiker’s friend and we can’t get offworld without it. Two: We rescue Vinny.’

 

‘Can’t we just leave him?’ Gauss complained.

 

‘I’ll assume you’re not serious.’ Oscar said, staring at Gauss. ‘Three: We make like trees and get the hell out of here. Try the other planet. I can configure the hitch-hiker’s friend to a short-range teleporter by linking it up to myself.’

 

‘Technomancy...’ Jon shuddered. ‘What heresy.’

 

‘Well...’ Oscar said, stepping over the prone guard. ‘If you don’t like it, feel free to stay here.’

 

‘The Lord is forgiving and merciful.’ Jon said hastily.

 

‘Indeed he is. Now, let’s get going. We have an idiot to save.’

 

---

 

‘I’ll just lock onto his signature and zap him out.’

 

‘Are you sure that’s wise?’

 

‘Oh, all right, we’ll just break into the royal bedchamber, shall we? I just teleported into what must have been the armoury and stolen some stuff, I’d rather not get any more guards out here. This is me zapping Vinny out now. This is me pressing the buttons.’

 

ZAP

 

‘Okay, very funny. Now zap his out here clothes as well.’

 

‘What?’

 

‘I’m going to kill you boys so badly. I was about to get LAID! GET MY GODDAMN CLOTHES BACK...’

 

‘And hurry up, there are guards coming.’

 

‘What??’

 

‘OSCAR! THERE YOU ARE! YOU ARE SO DEAD.’

 

‘Oh, a guy who looks just like you just showed up out of no-where.’

 

‘WHAT?’

 

‘THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY FROM ME, EH?’

 

‘Just keep pressing buttons. For goodness sake Oscar, press the buttons.’

 

ZAP

 

---

 

The sky on this planet was green, and the whole place was a desert. It almost was as if all the water off this planet had been taken away and stuck on the other one, which you could see hanging in the sky above like a huge blue moon. A thin wind stirred the sand around them. Jon flicked a tiny insect from his bald pate.

 

‘Phew, that was close.’ Oscar stood up, and stuck the Hitch-hiker’s friend into his coat.

 

‘Augh...my head...’ Vinny clutched at his temples. ‘What just happened? I remember going into that big room, then everything goes all pink and fuzzy.’

 

‘Pheromones, Vinny.’ Gauss said.

 

‘Wait...now I remember...I was about to...with a fishwoman....oh god...’ He hung his head. ‘I need a bath. Three baths. I want to take my skin off.’

 

‘Such is the price of succumbing to carnal urges, Brother Vincit.’ Jon said. ‘Did not the apostle say “It is better to marry than to burn”’?

 

‘Burn...that sounds like a real good idea.’ Vinny looked up and around. ‘Where are we? Is this a desert?’

 

‘Tis better than a lake.’ Jon pointed out.

 

‘Only marginally.’ Oscar watched a green lizard scuttle over his foot he pulled the hitch-hiker’s friend out of his coat. ‘I’m going to zap us to the nearest inhabited area.’

 

ZAP

 

‘You call this inhabited? One house?’ Vinny jammed his hat on his head angrily. He was pretty pissed of at being used, abused and teleported out of his clothes just as his day was starting to get even slightly good.

 

‘Can I help you gentlemen?’

 

The four men spun round and saw a little fat cod-man with a trailing fishy beard, in a monkish robe, leaning on a staff and looking at them with amused watery brown eyes.

 

‘Jesus, mac, you scared the life outta me.’ Vinny said.

 

‘Oh, I’m sorry.’

 

‘S’okay.’

 

‘Hi.’ Oscar interjected. ‘We’re looking for someone or something who knows something about the most powerful objects in the universe.’

 

The little fish-man chuckled. ‘You’ve come to the right place. I have one of the most extensive libraries in the known universe. Come with me.’

 

‘Oh, that’s wonderful, thank you.’ Oscar smiled.

 

‘Why didn’t we come to this planet first?’ Gauss asked.

 

‘It was random.’ Oscar shrugged and went off after the old cod. The others followed him.

 

---

 

‘It was nice of him to give us dinner.’ Vinny said, rubbing his belly.

 

‘Well, he did say he hadn’t had company for more than four hundred years.’ Oscar shrugged, fiddling with the Hitch-hiker’s friend. ‘Who would have thought lizard was that delicious?’

 

Gauss shrugged. ‘When you’ve had four hundred years to practise, you get pretty good at cooking.’

 

‘It was funny when we told him what happened on the other planet and he said the Most High One was his wife. The colour Vinny turned.’

 

Vinny scowled. ‘Well, when I guy just made you dinner, and you find out you nearly slept with his wife, it’s pretty embarrassing...why is it always me these things happen to?’

 

‘No doubt ‘tis because thou art an abomination against God.’ Jon said, cheerfully, knocking the dents out of his buckler.

 

‘Thanks.’ Vinny said sarcastically, looking at Jon from under his eyebrows.

 

‘Or maybe you were a mass murderer in a past lifetime.’ Gauss suggested, licking his claws.

 

‘As if the people I killed in this one weren’t bad enough.’ Vinny grinned. ‘So what does that piece of paper the fishguy gave us say?’

 

Gauss opened it up and flicked through it with dragon-speed. ‘It says the Most Powerful Objects in the Universe were all created long ago in experiments by a particularly insane culture known as the Dht’n’k’lz.’

 

‘I think you spat on me.’ Oscar said, wiping at his leg.

 

‘Sorry. Their aim was to create the most powerful object in the universe so they could rule it. So as to be more efficient, several groups were assigned this task, but the problem was, they kept outdoing each other, each group continually making a more powerful object than the others each time. Eventually, there ended up being two factions, both competing with each other to create more and more powerful objects. Finally, war broke out between the two, but by this time, they had both made objects so devastatingly powerful, that they destroyed themselves, their planet and everything on it, except the objects, which were made to resist everything. They were just left, floating amongst the rubble. Over time, they were discovered and removed by various alien races and scattered over the galaxy.’

 

The four men contemplated this information for a moment.

 

‘How incredibly, incredibly stupid.’ Oscar commented.

 

‘May the Lord have mercy on their painfully idiotic souls.’ Jon said, crossing himself.

 

‘Hehehehe. That’s actually kinda funny, when you think about it.’ Vinny looked up at the sky and grinned. Then he produced a cigarette from his pocket and lit it up. He sighed and took a big drag. ‘I needed that.’

 

‘At this rate, I’m going to need one of those too.’ Oscar said. Vinny threw him the packet and the lighter. Oscar shook his head, smiling and threw them back. Then he turned to Gauss. ‘Is there anything about the fourteenth, specifically?’

 

Gauss flicked through the piece of paper, his expressionless diamond eyes flickering. ‘Just a short note on how it was designed to meld with a user of sufficient power. It doesn’t say how to unmeld it.’

 

‘What does that mean, sufficient power?’ Vinny said, through a mouthful of cigarette, raising an eyebrow and dropping ash onto a small beetle, which scampered away at full speed in fear of the hot-dust-rain. ‘I’m no fucking spellcaster.’

 

Gauss and Oscar looked at him.

 

‘Not that I’ve got anything against spellcasters.’ He added hastily.

 

‘No doubt it refers to physical strength or somesuch.’ Jon interjected, ignoring the comment and scrutinising his buckler for dents.

 

‘Hey, listen to this, this is interesting.’ Gauss interrupted. ‘Legend tells that the records of the making and usage of the objects, were found in an indestructable box, floating amongst the wreckage of the planet of the Dht’n’k’lz....’

 

‘Jeez, warn us before you say that word, will you, so we can get an umbrella.’

 

‘Oh, just wipe it up.....and spirited away by an unknown order known only as the Hikari-No to where they could do no harm.’

 

‘So now we’re looking for the Hikari-No?’ Oscar asked. ‘Yay, change of scenery.’

 

‘This is turning into quite a little adventure.’ Gauss grinned.

 

‘You know, I really appreciate the help, yous guys.’ Vinny said, sheepishly.

 

‘Heh, like we said.’ Oscar grinned. ‘Nothing better to do. Aha, we have signal.’

 

‘Has the electronic thumb worked?’ Gauss asked, peering at the machine.

 

‘Yep.’ Oscar grinned. ‘They’re bringing us up iiiiin...five...four...three...two....one...’

 

ZAP

 

‘I’ll never get used to that.’ Vinny shook his head clear. An energy-spear was poked into his chest. ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ He looked up. They were on a wide, bridge, probably that of a battleship, surrounded by armoured humanoid guards with spears. He heard Oscar whisper ‘Crap’. Then a familiar voice chuckled:

 

‘Thought you could get away from me, eh, Oscar? Well, this time I brought some friends who are very interested in something you have. You over there, keep the beast-man’s left arm pinned. You have no idea how dangerous it is.’ Vinny looked up and bared his teeth in a growl.

Joel smiled, horribly.

---

 

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