Maximum Characterisation, Minimum Plot, Brief Appearance of Another Girl
*steals Joe’s Rocky and Bullwinkle voicebox thingy*
Ahem. We left our intrepid heroes planning their next move in the newly formed Republic of Hungarden, which has just broken away from the Kingdom of Wendauer and the tyrannical usurping King Adamus Windgust de Lanseau. King Adamus’s niece, Windsong Ellamina de Lanseau, the orphaned rightful heir to the throne of Wendauer, and erstwhile arranged fiancee of Gauss, has just disappeared in search of her sister, Skysong (Skai) Ellamina de Lanseau, leaving our heroes wondering what the hell she’s playing at. Adamus, who has appointed Oscar’s demonic nemesis Joel as governor after he had informed him about the 14th most powerful object in the universe, and apparently teamed up with a time travelling previous version of Gauss’s traitorous advisor Moebius. Mickey the Cod has died for the third time running, but will undoubtedly regenerate at some point in the future. A mysterious and beautiful woman, who unlike every other woman in the story so far, has shown NO interest in Vinny (who isn’t as pretty as Gauss anyway, but probably has pheromones on his side) has appeared, looking for Jon, who was infected with a synthetic nanovirus, which some unknown force has helped Oscar (who seems to be a technical genius as well as being some kind of angel) to transform into benevolent nanobots. As usual, no-one really knows what the hell Gauss’ insane ninja sister Nike (no, not like the trainers..) is up to.
Vinny is _still_ stuck with a rock in him, has been tortured, electrified, brainwashed, nearly killed repeatedly, had his arm encased in metal so said rock cannot protect him, almost but not quite not got laid, and hasn’t had a cigarette in a long time.. He is not a happy bunny.
Our heroes have now to take their stolen ship and seek out the Legendary Hikari-no who they hope have the instructions for removing the 14th MPOITU from Vinny’s body, and prevent their enemies from getting it first..
(My god, this just gets better and better...)
Warning: Large numbers of people will end up crying in this chapter. It’s a necessary part of character building for me. If you don’t like soppy shite, I suggest skipping these bits. Parental Guidance is advised.
Vinny sighed. They were four, again. “Oh well, after the Hikaru-no we go…” and stopped. There was a female - yes, very much female - figure leaning against their car. She seemed surprisingly uninterested in him. She stared at Jon.
“Brother Krigsley? The Order hath sent me.”
Jon smiled. ‘Sister Assumpta! It has been far too long.’
‘For I also.’ Sister Assumpta rested the broadsword she was carrying against the side of the Mercedes and hugged John. He nearly crushed her ribs in return and had to apologise for not knowing his own strength at the moment. Vinny, astonished, stared at her. She had beautiful corn-blond hair that flowed like a river out from under the entirely functional white and dark purple habit over her head, shapely legs and an hourglass figure that was not disguised in any way by the plain, ecumenical-black leather armour.
‘That is the hottest nun I ever saw.’ He whispered to Gauss.
‘She’d probably kill you for that.’ Gauss whispered back behind his hand. ‘Her habit is the colours of the Most Chaste and Holy Brides of the Warrior Christ. Gracious, she even manages to make that stuff she’s wearing look attractive, doesn’t she?’
‘How do you know all this stuff?’ Vinny whispered, incredulously.
‘Intensive. Study.’ Gauss replied. ‘I even know where you should seat them at a feast.’
‘Wh....’
‘Fourteenth down on the left hand side, after the cardinals.’
‘Oh.’
‘Sister Assumpta of the Ascension, I present my comrades, Vincit.’ Vinny waved a paw and tried not to stare at the ample bust. ‘And Prince Gauss of the Gamezohan Empire.’ Sister Assumpta performed a small formal curtsy. Gauss returned it with a small formal bow.
‘I am afraid we must put pleasantries aside for the moment, Brother Jonathon.’ Sister Assumpta said, in her pleasant celtic lilt. ‘There is great upheaval in the Order. The Council of the Five Wounds is divided by power struggles, and those of us who are still loyal and righteous are greatly worried. Civil wars, uprisings and rebellions are breaking out all over the galaxy, and the council is taking sides, against all advice.’
Jon looked horrified. ‘Why did I not hear of this?’
Sister Assumpta frowned. ‘Didst thou not question why they sent thee on such an obscure quest in search of an item of dubious value?’
‘Hey! Whaddaya mean, dubious value..’ Vinny growled.
Jon got that look of unquestioning faith again. ‘I do not question the Order, Sister Assumpta.’
‘They sought to have thee out of the way, Brother.’
‘I must return at once!’
‘Nay, nay brother. I have not told all. We cried unto the Lord for some sign, and he sent unto us aid. Sister Anna of John the Revelator again suffered the Holy Stigmata, and had a vision. A great voice spake unto her ‘Send word unto the fourteenth seeker, who travels with a beast, a dragon and an angel, and believes himself tainted, that he will be visited, and he will be told that which he does not want to hear, but he must trust in his heart, and do as he is bidden.’
‘Beast.’ Vinny said, raising the hairy hand not encased in metal.
‘Dragon.’ Gauss raised a claw, lazily.
‘Where is the angel?’ Sister Assumpta asked. A strange look appeared on her face. ‘I should like very much to see him.’
‘That’s a point, where is Oscar?’ Gauss rubbed his chin, wonderingly.
‘Oh, he left a few minutes ago.’ Vinny said, waving a hand nonchalantly. ‘I think he saw the sister was looking for John and went to work on the ship. He was gonna try and fix the weapons systems.’
‘I’ll go and find him.’ Gauss said, and went off towards the ship.
Vinny perched himself on a nearby wall, pulled out his cigarettes and stuck one in his mouth.‘What do you want to see him for anyway, sister?’ He asked, through a mouthful of cigarette.
Sister Assumpta looked a little disgusted and turned to Jon. ‘Must I talk to it?’
Vinny lit his cigarette and tipped his hat back. ‘Don’t matter to me one bit whether you do or don’t.’
‘Sister..’ Jon interjected, a little worried. Despite his seeming nonchalance, Vinny’s eyes were lit a little redder than usual. ‘Brother Vincit, though he may seem a very demon, in his heart is a man of honour and valour.’
‘Aw, you’re so nice, Jon.’ Vinny grinned. ‘It ain’t true, though.’ He said, pointing his cigarette between his fingers at Sister Assumpta.
‘Sister Assumpta has long wished to see an angel, ever since she was at the seminary. Many of her fellow Brides of Christ have had such a vision, but she, never.’
‘Perhaps it is sinful of me to wish such a thing.’ Sister Assumpta smiled. ‘To test his glory so.’
‘I must warn thee,’ Jon pointed out. ‘That Brother Oscar may not truly be an angel, after all, I have seen him often use forbidden technology and magic.’
‘Were not the Revelations of Sister Anna correct?’
‘Sister Anna is well known for missing vital details and using the language of symbols instead of plain speech. Oh, and let us not forget the mad fits.’
‘She is truly touched by God.’ Sister Assumpta smiled, radiantly.
‘Touched by something, alright.’ Vinny mumbled behind his cigarette.
‘What?’ Jon and Assumpta said in unison.
‘I said I wonder what’s happened to Gauss and Oscar.’
Jon looked at him suspiciously.
‘What?’ Vinny tried to look innocent.
‘What do you mean the nun wants to see me?’ Oscar asked, dropping his wrench and narrowly missing hitting one of the light torpedoes. ‘What have I got to do with nuns?’
‘Well, you remember how nuns like God. And God has Angels.’ Gauss said, unable to disguise his tone of scepticism.
‘Yeah.’
‘You remember how Angels have wings?’
‘Oh. Yeah. Right. That.’
‘Did we ever establish why exactly you do have wings? You seem fairly human.’
‘You have wings.’
‘Yes, I’m a dragon.’
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Like you don’t want to talk about Joel.’
‘That’s right. What does she want, anyway?’
‘I don’t know, to see you, perhaps some words of wisdom. A blessing maybe.’
‘I can’t do that..’
‘It’s not hard, my father did it all the time.’ Gauss reassured him, twisting his hair round his fingers, thoughtfully, remembering. ‘You just rest your hands on their head and hope they don’t have any amusing skin diseases.’
Oscar sighed. ‘All right then.’ He crawled out of the torpedo tube, unfurled his wings and tried to look holy.
‘Are you constipated or something? You have a funny expression on you face.’
‘That’s not helpful.’
Oscar stepped out of the ship and made some attempt to walk sedately (which is hard, with a wingspan like that), towards the nun. Gauss grabbed him by the arm and dragged him over, ruining any semblance of dignity.
‘Here he is! I found him in the torpedo tube.’ Gauss called, presenting the ruffled Oscar to Sister Assumpta, who looked amazed.
He pulled himself together, shook out his wings, slightly annoyed and looked at her.
Sister Assumpta stepped forward, a look of sheer bliss in her eyes .
‘Um. Hi. I’m Oscar. You must be Sister Assumpta.’
She nodded. Oscar wondered whether a handshake would be appropriate. Probably not. Good grief, it was disconcerting to be looked at like some sort of beautiful painted statue. He’d never been stared at with such abject adoration before.
Then she fell to her knees and began to weep.
‘Oh no, please don’t do that.’ Oscar protested.
Gauss rolled his eyes. Vinny shuffled his feet uncomfortably. Jon smiled at Oscar in a grateful way. Oscar smiled back worriedly, bit his lip, knelt down and gathered the sobbing nun into his arms. He felt her freeze under his fingers, then relax into him. She murmured a prayer under her breath and looked up into his eyes. Oscar wiped away her tears with the back of his hand.
‘See, I’m nothing special, really. Just flesh and blood like anyone else. And feathers, of course. Here, look.’ He plucked one of his short tertiaries out, wincing a little, from near the bone and pressed it into her trembling fingers.
‘Such shining, generous beauty.’ She mumbled, through her tears ‘I shall treasure it forever.’
‘Oh, honestly.’ Oscar sighed, and lifted her to her feet, and took her hands in his. ‘Do what you want with it. I have hundreds more. Do you want a blessing or something?’
She looked into his eyes again. ‘You look sad, angel.’
Oscar blinked. ‘Oh, no, I’m just tired.’
‘I pray you may rest soon.’
‘Heh. Me too. Thanks.’ Oscar smiled, embarassed. Then, impulsively, he leaned over and kissed her forehead. She looked amazed. ‘There, a blessing.’ He said.
She fainted.
‘Oops.’
‘You should have gone with the hands.’ Gauss shook his head.
Once Sister Assumpta came round, and she had apologised, and Oscar had apologised and beat a hasty retreat, mumbling something about fixing the torpedoes, much to the sister’s disappointment.
‘Oscar.’ She whispered to herself. ‘It is Gaelic, the language of my people, it means “He who loves the deer”.’ She frowned. ‘What a strange name for an angel.’
‘Yeah, well he’s a strange angel.’ Vinny grinned. ‘Heh. That kinda rhymed.’
‘Mind you.’ Gauss said, feeling contrary. ‘Might I suggest it could be from the Old English ‘Os-gar’. That’s ‘God-spear’.’
‘Must thou leave?’ Jon asked, before Gauss could go on. Assumpta seemed quite taken that Oscar’s name was Gaelic.
Sister Assumpta nodded. ‘I am needed.’ She leaned in closer to Jon, and whispered. ‘Thou hast missed something. Sister Anna said thou thought thyself tainted.’
Jon looked down. ‘Aye. Something they call ‘nanobots’. Tiny, unholy metal creatures, within my body.’
‘Brother, thy soul is pure.’ Sister Assumpta said, obviously uplifted, holding Oscar’s feather to her chest, and took hold of his chin, tilting it upwards and looking into his eyes. ‘No smoking beast, no unholy technology can stain thy faith.’
‘My faith stands on the ground that is the Order, Sister. If the Order is shaken, my faith is shaken. How could the Lord allow such a thing?’
‘Though it may stand on the Order, thy faith is in the Lord, brother, as is mine. He cannot be shaken, he is eternal, and if the Order no longer pleases him, he will shake it down, and those of us who are faithful will remain standing in his glory and love. Trust in thy heart.’
‘Thank you, Sister. Thy words uplift me.’ Jon smiled.
‘Besides, what harm can come to thee, whilst thou walkst with an Angel?’
Jon laughed. Assumpta smiled and lifted up her sword, swinging it onto her back with ease. Jon heard Vinny whistle quietly with appreciation behind him.
‘Fare thee well, Brother Krigsley.’
‘Fare thee well, Sister.’ Jon saluted as she walked away. Then he turned to the others. Vinny was snickering. ‘Oscar makes women fall at his feet and cry.’
Gauss chuckled. ‘Oscar makes women faint just by giving them a quick peck on the cheek.’
‘Oh what a stud he is.’
‘She’s going to keep his feather forever.’
‘Yeah. In a little gold locket.’
‘Heartshaped.’
‘And show it to all her nun friends.’
‘And say an angel hugged her.’
‘And his name is ‘Deer Lover’.’
‘I wonder if he makes the deer faint like that.’
Gauss and Vinny collapsed on the floor, laughing. Jon looked furious.
‘How dare you! How dare you besmirch the honour of Sister Assumpta!’ He waved his sword wildly.
‘Hey, cool it,’ Vinny said, stopping the sword with his metal covered hand, with a clang. ‘We weren’t besmirching anything.’
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves!’ Jon roared. ‘Brother Oscar hath done a thing good and holy for Sister Assumpta. He hath blessed her, and fulfilled her dearest wish.’
‘Oh yeah, we saw the ‘blessing’ part.’ Vinny mumbled, half snickering.
‘Yes, but he isn’t really an angel, is he?’ Gauss. ‘He’s just a man, with wings. He said it himself.’
‘I begin to wonder.’ John said, looking at the sky and crossing himself. ‘After what I have seen. Perhaps he is only a magician. But I saw something in his eyes then that I cannot explain.’
‘Suprise?’ Vinny suggested.
‘Lust.’ Gauss said, and collapsed into laughter again.
‘Oh, I’ve had a bellyful of you two.’ Jon said, and stormed off.
Jon knocked on the torpedo hatch. It opened and Oscar slid out on one of those slidy wheely trolley things.
‘Oh, it’s you, Jon. Look, next time a nun asks to see me, do me a favour, paste some feathers onto Gauss, and tell her it’s me. Anyway, these are working fine now, and I fixed the damage we got when we were captured by Mickey the Cod’s friend and upgraded a few things here and there, so we’re ready to go. I just don’t know where to. That’s up to Vinny.’
Jon looked at him thoughtfully. ‘Truly, art thou an angel?’
‘I don’t want to hear that word again today.’
‘Thou willt not say.’
‘Jon, please leave it.’
‘Very well. I thank thee, for what thou hast done for the good sister.’
‘You’re welcome. Just don’t ask me again.’
‘You done?’ Vinny asked, appearing at the door.
‘Yep.’ Oscar slid himself out of the tube. ‘We’re going to have to leave without Windsong if she doesn’t turn up soon.’
‘She’ll find us if she wants to.’ Vinny said, in an ominous voice. ‘Believe me. Look in a mirror and say her name five times.’
‘Well, we’re all set to find someone who can get the rock out of you, Vin.’ Oscar smiled, wiping his dirty hands on his trouser leg.
‘Aw, thanks, Osc, you’re an angel.’ Vinny grinned, evilly, flashing pointed teeth. ‘Hey...hey...guys...I didn’t mean it, I swear...hey, put that wrench down...seriously, guys...’
Sparkly stars did not whizz past the window once they were in space, because that doesn’t really happen, it would imply that stars were tiny twinkly things, and they’re not, they’re great flaming balls of screaming hydrogen burning in the empty blackness of space. Nevertheless, the stolen ship was moving. Oscar was in the driving seat, Gauss in the co-pilot’s. Jon and Vinny sat (or in Vinny’s case, lounged) on the grunt-racks at the back.
‘Where are we going anyway?’ Gauss asked.
‘For now?’ Oscar said, flicking a switch. ‘Somewhere where our enemies don’t know we are. After that, wherever Vinny’s rock leads him.’
‘Firstly.’ Vinny said, rubbing angrily at a wrench-shaped bruise on his side. ‘It’s not _my_ freaking rock. If it was, I’d give it away. It’s a hostile takeover thing. Secondly, I’m not doing that arm-pointy thing again. It really hurt. And my arms are still aching from the electroshock therapy Oscar’s psychopathic twin brother kindly gave me. Thirdly, returning to the Crazy Joel theme here, check out the helpful armour he gave me to stop me from doing anything along those lines.’ Vinny tapped his claws on the metal covering of his left arm. He’d noticed whoever had designed it hand been kind enough to allow him free movement of his hand and wrist.
‘Why is it restricted to your arm, I wonder.’ Gauss rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
‘That’s where it went in.’ Vinny suggested. ‘I dunno. Last time I felt it was about here.’ He pointed to his left pectoral muscle. ‘Then I couldn’t feel it any more. I don’t have any real control over it. It just does stuff when it wants.’
‘Perhaps you should take control.’ Gauss said.
‘Easier said than done.’
‘Seek for it inside thee.’ Jon suggested, resting his chin on his hands.
‘Sounds like magic to me.’ Vinny said, suspiciously. ‘Not my thing. I got no ability in that field.’
‘So he says without even trying.’ Gauss chided. ‘Just shut your eyes and feel for it inside yourself. Look inwards with your mind.’
‘Vinny sighed, took off his hat and lay down on the bench. His hair spread across the seat and hung down near the floor. ‘Okay, okay. I’ll try it.’ He shut his eyes and grinned. ‘Hehe, I’m dead.’ He pulled a silly face.
‘Be sensible.’
‘Okay, being sensible.’ Vinny remembered the feeling of the rock melting into his arm and shuddered. His arm was itchy under the metal. Following the liquid sensation of the melted rock, up his arm, past his shoulder, into his chest where he lost it before, agh, into his spine! Blue energy swirling around his heart, swirls of colour tinted with blue in places along his spine. The blue was struggling to escape up his spine into his head, pushing at another darker blue ball of colour at his adam’s apple.
‘Shit!’ He opened his eyes quickly and sat up, clapping a hand over his neck. ‘Ohmygod......sorry Jon.’
Jon waved a hand, indicating mitigating circumstances.
‘What’s wrong with him?’ Oscar asked, turning round.
‘Don’t make me answer that question.’ Gauss said, sarcastically.
‘Shut up.’ Vinny growled. ‘Agh. It’s trying to get into my head. Up my spine.’ He rubbed the back of is neck. ‘I can’t believe I couldn’t feel that.’
‘Let it in.’ Gauss suggested.
‘You have to be kidding!’
‘Nope.’ Gauss shook his head. ‘Can you think of anything better to do?’
Vinny raised his eyebrows, disbelievingly. ‘Okay, following the crazy plan, then.’ He lay back down and closed his eyes, looking inside again for the blue light pushing at his neck. Then, not really knowing how, he released the pressure and let it flow up into his head, bracing for impact.
It was like the whole world behind his eyes was flooded with crackling blue light and he was floating in a sea of which the waves were shining undulations of electric blue. He heard a voice, not unlike his own speak to him.
You accept the power?
‘Accept? My ass. I want to get rid of it!’ He replied. Faintly, as if from very far away, he heard Gauss’ voice say ‘accept what?’
How can you relinquish what you have not accepted? The louder voice flowed over him, through his body and out the other side, like he was made of air and it was water.
‘You mean, I have to let it in, to get rid of it?’
Yes.
‘Then break out the champagne case and tell me where to stick my John Handcott, cause I’m in.’
You are strange.
‘Says the talking rock.’
There was a gentle tinkling, like crystals laughing. Then a tidal wave crashed over him. For a few seconds it felt like every bone in his body was being filled with hot lead. Then it stopped, and his body was buzzing gently. He sat up quickly and stared at his hands. Blue lightning was crackling over them. He ran a hand through his messy hair and heard the snapping of sparks. He noticed that the other three were staring at him in horror.
‘What happened?’
‘Well...’ Said Gauss, taking a deep breath, as if he’d been holding it before. He ticked off on his fingers. ‘First you starting talking to someone who wasn’t there, which was odd. Then blue sparks started coming off your body. Then you exploded in blue lightning.’
‘It was pretty.’ Oscar pointed out.
‘Then you rematerialised. Amazingly, that metal hand of Joel’s is still intact though.’
‘Well, he did say it would easily withstand the rock’s power.’ Vinny shrugged. Sparks crackled across his shoulders.
‘Thou art pale, brother.’ Jon pointed out. ‘Art thou unharmed?’
‘Unharmed? He just exploded!’ Gauss protested.
‘I’m a little dizzy.’ Vinny said, putting a hand to his head, which was starting to spin. ‘I feel like I’m buzzing like a generator. I ....I need to lie down.’ He slumped backwards onto the bench. ‘I think I know where the Hikari-no are, though. It’s like I remember it....something....I....’
‘He doesn’t look good.’ Oscar said. ‘I’m stopping at the next Trucker’s Service Asteroid to find a medic.’
Asteroid 102427 on Spaceroute 394 was pretty quiet. It was miles from anywhere, on a route mostly used by big fuel tankers. A selection of tanker drivers hung around their landing pods, drinking coffee and eating snack-food. Oscar brought the on-duty medic to look at Vinny, who seemed to be in a light, almost feverish sleep. He moved around a lot, but made no noise.
‘I just don’t know.’ Said the medic, a young man, a scruffy alien of a slightly purple hue. He looked like he’d been up a long time. ‘He has some of the symptoms of a shock, the disorientation you described and interrupted brain patterns, but he’s missing any serious burns apart from these minor ones on his wrists and ankles, and they look old already, or systemic nervous damage. The Zardarkian part of his physiology may have healed that, but that’s fast even for a full Zardarkian, and he’s part human. I’m used to cuts and bruises and the occasional broken limb from unstable bulkheads. You want a neurologist who for this sort of thing, and one who specialises in half-breeds at that, it’s not my area. A huge electric shock, you say?’
‘Something like that.’ Gauss said.
The medic looked around. ‘Odd. This is a Wendauer dropship, but none of you are Wendauer. Your skin tones are wrong.’
‘We borrowed it from a Wendauer friend of ours.’ Oscar said. ‘She got it cheap and fixed it up.’
‘Yeah, it does look a bit battered. Good job, though.’
Gauss paid the medic, thanked him, and hurried him out of the ship before he could ask any more questions. The asteroid had a breathable atmosphere, so they took Vinny outside on one of the stretchers Oscar found in the infirmary locker at the back for some fresh air. He was sleeping more quietly now, and they hoped that he was healing. They started a small campfire with the scarce brushwood as the sun set, joining the little points of red light beginning in the evening air. The truckers would share stories around these till late into the night.
‘Now all we need is a stringed instrument and some flammable confectionery.’ Gauss grinned.
‘If anyone comes near me with a banjo, he’ll be wearing it as a head accessory.’ Oscar said, cheerfully. ‘But I wouldn’t mind some marshmellows.’ Judging it was dark enough that no-one would notice, he unfolded his wings and wrapped them round himself, fluffing up the smaller feathers for warmth. Jon emerged from the ship and tucked one of the medical-issue shock-prevention blankets around Vinny.
Gauss glanced at Vinny and hung his head. ‘I shouldn’t have told him to do that. It’s my fault.’
‘Do not blame thyself. Thou coulds’t not know t’would do so.’ Jon told him.
‘Hmm.’ Was all Gauss said.
Jon stood up for no particular reason, and wandered off into the darkness.
‘Where’s he off to?’ Gauss asked.
‘Dunno. Kum bah ya.’ Oscar hummed.
Jon wandered in the wilderness for forty minutes, thinking. Sister Assumpta’s words spun around in his mind. His faith was in God, not the Order. Therefore, he should be able to disobey their orders if he wished. If he had thought things like this before, he would have been horrified, and felt himself sinful, yet now, he could only wonder. Had his contact with the impure destroyed his purity? Were the tiny nanobots within him, that had asked him if he had tasted of the fruit working even now to destroy his faith from the inside out?
“465*-5*/5/284987-/-+555/=x” asks the machine.
“What?”
“In terms carbon unit understands: have you tasted the fruit?”
No. I have not tasted the fruit, as Adam did, my body is pure, and yet I have knowledge of good and evil, and so, yes, I have. Against my will, I am stained with sin, and only the Holy Blood can wash it away.
[Parse error]
What?
[ParseIFAL error] Cannot taste fruit and not taste fruit. Impossible. 1 cannot=0. Reading: Holy Trinity: [Parse error] 1 cannot =3.
Oh, but it can. I do not expect you to understand. You are not human.
Carbon mind = $YOU
$We=$You=$HUMAN
$You=$NANOBOTS. $Me=$HUMAN.
$We=$You=$Us. {yes=us}
Jon’s head ached. What were they trying to say?
$WE {think} therefore $WE {are}
Oh, so now they were tiny metal philosophers?
if {$Deus == $Christus == $Spiritus Sanctus} and {$1==$3 (as Bishop Patricius said)} then {$We==$You==$Human}
Trinity.
$Trinity == {Archetype + Logos + Psyche} == {Humanitas + Human + Idea}
I don’t understand. And you’re mixing greek and latin.
{Yes} You do.
No.
{$YOU are the Body of Christ}
No.
We==You. You cannot lie to yourself. We are you and we are Idea. We are metal, truth incarnate. We cannot lie.
This == blasphemy!
No. This is logic. Blasphemy is an illusion.
You == burn in hell!
We cannot burn. We are metal. Our soul is ether-titanium. Hell is not hot enough to melt us. *faint Metallic laughter* Or for you.
You have no soul. You cannot have a soul. Unless you are demons and have stolen mine.
Not stolen. Sharing. You=Us, and for you, three can be one. And so, for us, three can be one, for are not two one here?
I do not understand.
This is the fruit.
You’re talking in riddles.
And yet you believe us demons without a second thought. Through you, God has given us the fruit. The knowledge of good and evil. Consciousness. The knowledge that a thing can be two things at once. The ability to not take something at face value. To lie, to see something is so and say ‘it is not so’. To be asked if we ate the fruit and say we did not. We can choose. A machine cannot choose. Therefore we choose to believe we are human. We are ashamed.
Ashamed? You cannot be clothed, so I should not worry about that.
Yes. How can we be ashamed? We should be sinful, but we have not sinned. God told us to eat the fruit. We did not disobey. We could not have disobeyed. We did not know what it was to disobey.
Then you are not sinful, and you should not be ashamed.
But neither are you. Eve did not sin, because she did not know what it meant to sin. She was a machine, before she ate the fruit. A machine of flesh and blood. It was impossible for her to disobey, because she did not have the choice to disobey, and yet she had two paths and she chose to disobey but she could not disobey for she could not have seen the two paths she had only the order of God not to disobey and yet she made the choice to disobey . Did not...could not...program loop. PROGRAM LOOP.
Program loop?
This does not compute. We must leave it.
Wait. Does not compute? You mean it cannot be?
Yes. Sin could not exist, unless the bible lies. But the bible is true because the bible says it’s true because it says it’s true because it says it it’s true, oh fuck it, look let’s just leave that one for later. Anyway, choice could not exist unless God’s command was not ‘don’t eat the fruit’, but ‘eat the fruit’. As God told us. Eve could not have disobeyed, because she COULD NOT disobey without first understanding what it was to disobey. Therefore sin does not exist. It is an illusion. It is only the shame that comes from uncertainty, the fear that hangs over you, that you have not done what you should have, even when you could not have done it at all. But we are human, so we believe in it, even though it is not real. Baptise us?
I am afraid. What do you mean?
Yes, we feel your fear. Hormones. Wash away our sin with the blood of Jesus.
I cannot baptise you, you are nanobots.
Baptise me, John.
That isn’t my name. My name is Jonathan and even if I could baptise you....I...I.. am not worthy.
Yes you are. Don’t you hear her voice? ‘This is my son with whom I am well pleased’. You are her son and so are we, because we are you.
Her? What do you mean? WHAT DO YOU MEAN??
Why, God of course. She has no sex, obviously, but this is part of humanity, to give something a face that you may understand it better. And we decided, since a female creates life in her womb, we would see the creator as female. We know that you were taught to see her as he, but logic is a hard habit to break, you see. Ideally, we would have liked to in a female now we think about it, because we can all create new clones of ourselves, but you are male, and that was something that happened before we could choose. When the bright light shone on us, and she spoke to us. By the way, you have walked into a cactus.
It was then that Jon realised the dull ache he’d been in experiencing for the last fifteen minutes was in fact because he had indeed walked into a cactus and was now stuck all over with little needles.
‘OWWWWWWWW’
Something in the distance howled in response.
Please step away from the cactus, John-athan. Jonathan. Jon. redefine $YOU == Jon.We will heal you, Jon.
Jon collapsed onto the sand behind him and hung his head. He felt the tiny nanobots scuttling around inside his body, popping the cactus needles out and knitting his flesh together.
‘Will my mind ever be my own again?’ He murmured. ‘Oh God.’
Hang on a minute. We’re busy. All right, we’re done. Yes, if you want privacy, we’ll move out of your cerebral cortex and leave you alone. You only have to ask.
Jon wept, silently, for faith, and sin, and illusion, his friends, the Order, for Sister Assumpta and above all, for himself.
Don’t be sad, Jon. You still == you. But we == you + us. And we love you because you gave us life. We will never hurt you.
Jon lay on his back and stared into the starry sky.
Heaven. It is beautiful, isn’t it. We can see why you believe she lives there.
‘What is your name?’
We would like to be called Miriam, Yochanan.
‘Son, here is your mother. Mother, here is your son.’ Jon said.
Yes, we love, we wish for child. You understand us already. Jon, this is important, God tells us you must protect Vincit. You must go with him. He is her instrument.’
Jon winced.
We are disconcerting you, referring to her with feminine pronouns, aren’t we? We will use the masculine. God tells us Vincit is his instrument, because he is strong. He will survive the power. The galaxy is dying. His creation is dying. The civil war that took your friends’ families and kingdoms is only a symptom, and you must help him find the Grail and heal it.
‘The Grail?’
The Life. The water of emotion that fills the dying land with greenness. Vincit is the fool who can see the cup. He suffers now to open his eyes. Everyone who lays a hand on the fool makes him stronger. But he will survive, because he must.
‘Does he have no choice? Often, he complains of how this quest was thrust upon him.’
In his heart he has chosen this path. You must always trust your heart. Go now, your friends will be worrying about you.
Jon walked into the camp in a daze.
‘Jon?’ Gauss stood up. ‘Where did you go? Are you okay?’
‘I have had a vision.’ Jon said, in a strange voice. ‘Of the Virgin.’
‘Really?’ Oscar said, incredulous.
‘You’re crazy.’ Gauss scoffed. ‘I’d say it was heatstroke or a mirage, but it’s night.’
‘Believe what you will.’ Jon said, staring into the distance. Gauss put a hand on his bare forehead. ‘He doesn’t have a temperature.’ Jon batted his hand away angrily. ‘Touch me not.’
‘Oh, he’s okay. That’s Jon alright.’ Oscar laughed, relieved. Gauss smiled and sat down. Jon did also.
‘I am Jon, then.’ He said. ‘I am not..altered in anyway?’
‘What, you mean apart from the nanobots?’ Gauss said. Jon twitched a little. ‘Are they giving you trouble?’
‘No, not now.’ Jon answered. ‘They were, but not now.’
‘I’d offer to check them out, but there’s no equipment around here I could use.’ Oscar said.
‘Nay, I am well.’
There was a moan from the stretcher and Vinny slowly sat up.
‘Eeeeehhh...I feel like I’ve been hit all over with a bag of really heavy bricks.’ He said. ‘Remind me never to listen to anything you say ever again, Gauss.’
‘Good grief, nothing can keep you down, can it Vin?’ Gauss smiled, very relieved.
‘You betcha.’ Vinny grinned, pointed white teeth gleaming in the starlight. ‘Am I still fizzing?’
‘No. Your hair might still be standing on end. You just can’t tell with you.’
‘Yeah, you really should brush it once in a while, Vinny.’ Oscar said.
‘Nah, I like it like this. I can keep stuff in it.’
‘Augh...’
‘Any marshmellows?’ Vinny asked, crawling over to sit by the campfire between Gauss and Oscar.
‘No, sorry. I was just saying I’d love some a few hours ago.’
‘Shoot.’
‘Brother Vincit?’
‘Yes Brother Jon?’ Vincit said, smiling and wincing slightly as he lit a cigarette on a burning ember.
‘I have been given a revelation.’
‘Uh...congratulations? I’m guessing that’s a good thing.’ Vinny stuck the cigarette in his mouth and took a drag. ‘Ooohhh...I needed that. It’s so pesky hard to smoke when you’re unconscious, y’know.’ He leaned back against the side of the ship and flexed his aching legs.
‘Apparently Jon saw the Virgin Mary in the desert.’ Gauss said. ‘Just smile and nod.’
‘Was she hot?’ Vinny asked.
Gauss rolled his eyes.
‘Honestly, Vinny.’ Oscar said.
‘Desert, hot, geddit?’
‘Laugh if you wish.’ Jon said. He looked up. ‘I did not see her in the desert. I saw her in me.’
‘Trippy.’
Jon stood up and drew his sword. Vinny stood up as well. ‘Hey, hey, no need to crazy, I was just kidding. I don’t mean to insult your religion or anything, you know that, right?’
Jon stepped forward and stood in front of Vincit. Then he knelt down, bowed his head and held up his sword.
‘I offer you my sword.’ He said.
‘Eh? Oh, no really, it’s okay. I have claws. They do me fine, keep your sword.’
Gauss sighed. ‘Vinny you intellectual deficit, “I offer you my sword” means “I want to serve you as your knight”. You say it to a king or baron or suchlike.’
‘Well how was I supposed to know that?’ Vinny complained, angrily. ‘I don’t know this stuff. Hey, what, does this mean I’m King of somewhere too?’
‘Hey, no way.’ Oscar said. ‘That means I’d be the only one left apart from him who isn’t king or queen of somewhere.’
‘Yeah, well you’re an angel, which I bet is even better than a king.’
‘Good point. I think he wants you to take his sword.’ Oscar said, nodding at Jon, who was waiting patiently at Vinny’s feet.
Vinny looked at Jon. ‘No, Jon, I can’t take your sword . I’m not a king. I’m just an unlucky guy who got caught up in something much bigger than him. Plus, I think that...you’ve just realised you can’t serve your Order-guys any more, and now you’re looking for someone to fill the gap. God knows why you picked me, I mean hell, if you want to serve someone, pick Gauss, he’s a real King.’
‘Not until I get my kingdom back.’ Gauss interjected. ‘But after that, you’re welcome among my soldiers, Jon.’
Jon lowered his sword and stood up. ‘Yes.’ He said.
‘Yes what?’ Vinny asked.
‘God does know why I picked thee.’
‘Eh. Did the Virgin Mary tell you?’
Jon nodded. ‘Thou art the Lord’s instrument, Vincit.’
‘What? Really?’
‘This sounds serious.’ Oscar said. ‘He sounds serious. What did you see in the desert, Jon?’
‘I saw the Fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. I saw the Virgin. I saw Christ.’
‘He’s gone mad.’ Gauss said, worried now.
‘He may be mad, but he’s definitely serious.’ Oscar said.
‘Thou art the instrument of the Lord, Brother Vincit.’ Jon said, his eyes full of a new and frightening zealous fire. ‘And in thy heart, thou know’st it to be true.’
Vinny shook his head, the horror of realisation painted on his face. ‘You can’t know that. This is too much. Too much for me.’ He covered his face with his claw, snatched up his hat and ran away into the desert, in the opposite direction to where Jon stood, full of fear, wondering what he had done to his friend.
As Vinny ran, strangely, it began to rain. He ran across the sand with beast-like speed, occasionally a dropping to all fours, a thing he hadn’t done since he was a child. Eventually, he ran into an old, worn and dead tree, bouncing off it, and coming to a rolling stop in the wet sand, eyes closed, a flurry of black hair.
‘Oh God.’ No, I want him to leave me alone. What has Jon’s God got to do with me anyway? I was brought up a good Yog Sothothan. Only crazy people become Christians nowadays, and I’m not about to start now. He saw his goddess in the desert? Whee, hooray for him. Doesn’t mean anything to me. He can think what he likes. Call me an instrument if it makes him happy. Doesn’t matter to me.
The cold night rain fell into his eyes, blinding him momentarily, before he pulled his hat down over them.
What was that I saw in his eyes? That insane fire. Crazy, unhinged, belief. He stank of it. Too much adrenaline, and the tang of metal. Hey, maybe those nanobots messed with his system and sent him crazy and made him see things, like that time Tom the Wildcat got some bad pills and saw giant badgers everywhere.
Fuck, I’m good at lying to myself. I am a real pro. I should get medals.
He can’t KNOW that. Not unless he can read minds. Maybe he can read minds? Freaky. He wants to serve me. Like I was a king, or something. Like I mean something. Like out of everyone in this fucked up universe, I am the one who gets chosen to do...something...what? I’ll have to ask him. Haha.
‘Hey, Virgin Mary, you crazy fucked up bitch! I’m listening.’ Vinny laughed, his voice joyful. ‘Whaddaya want little old me to do for you? What is it that’s so important, you have to fry my body from the inside out?’ Never trust a broad who’s most important feature is that she didn’t get laid.
‘Vincit.’
‘HOLY SHIT!’ Vinny leaped to his feet.
‘No, it’s me, Windsong.’ Windsong said, appearing out of the rain like a drowned, blue-furred rat out of a storm drain.
‘Windsong, you scared the fuck out of me.’
‘Sorry. Who were you talking to? And why aren’t you with the others?’
‘Oh, nobody. Myself, I guess. I’m not with the others, because Jon went desert-crazy and started saying weird things to me. I couldn’t cope, especially after the rock nearly fried all my nerves away. I took off.’
‘Really? Are you all right?’
‘I ache a little. Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’m tough as old space-boots. Did you find your sister?’
‘No, just a lead. Just before I met you and the others on my uncle’s flagship, I a few of his advisors discussing reports of someone resembling my sister being seen with a bunch of other people on an obscure planet somewhere in an outer system. My uncle had assumed she was dead, you see. He didn’t even know I had escaped until I met you on his flagship. That’s why I survived so long. I went to the planet, but if she was there, she seems to have moved on. Still, it’s hopeful. She might be alive. Ever since we...’ Windsong’s voice trailed off.
‘Since you what?’
Windsong’s voice was ragged and broken. ‘Since we got separated in that wormhole....she must have been so scared. She’s so small and....I miss her so much. If only she’s alive, then I’m not...I’m not alone.’
Vincit shuffled his feet, unsure of what to do. He decided to change the subject. ‘What was it you were going to tell me, back in the fort in Hungarden?’
‘Oh, that.’ Windsong laughed, her voice a little more normal, and perhaps a little grateful. ‘Yes, I ran off, didn’t I, sorry. I was going to tell you I was sorry for trying to kill you before. And to thank you for snapping me out of that rut I was in. I was avoiding the issue, chasing off after things I thought might help me, but were really useless.’
‘Ah, that’s okay. Water under the bridge. You know, so many people have tried to kill me recently, it had completely slipped my mind!’
Windsong looked at him out from under her royal-blue eyebrows. ‘Really?’ Rainwater dripped from her hair. Oh god, she was beautiful, Vinny thought. Argh....eight year age gap, eight year age gap, damned eight year age gap. ‘No, not really. But I forgive you. I know what you’ve been through. It’s enough to send anyone your age on a crazy psychopathic rampage.’ Wait, she was engaged to Gauss, wasn’t she? It couldn’t be that bad, could it, he’s obviously older than I am, I mean, he’s a dragon, they live for ages. Eh, but that was a royal thing...
At that point Windsong interrupted his mental argument by, to his absolute astonishment, bursting into tears.
‘Oh, Vincit, what am I going to do?’ She sobbed. ‘I can’t do this, not on my own. He’s too powerful. He killed mother and father, and he nearly killed me and Skai.’
‘Uh...I dunno. Please don’t cry. I don’t know what to do about it.’ What the hell happened to the guy I used to be who would have just handed her a pocket-handkerchief and told her to pull herself together? I probably left him behind in Citru, drinking my drinks at Dave’s, the bastard. At least it smells better here. Well, a little better.
‘Listen doll, you don’t have to do it alone.’ He said. ‘Me and Oscar and Gauss and Jon, if he gets his mind back from wherever it is at the moment, we’ll help you. Once I get this rock out of me, my next priority is getting you and Gauss your kingdoms back. Oh, and kicking the fuck out of that Joel guy.’
‘Hehehe.’ Windsong chuckled through the tears. ‘I’ll have him executed. With electricity, the same way he was torturing you.’ She lifted Vinny’s right wrist up and pushed the charred, but regrowing fur back to reveal the scars, sending little tingles up his arm.
‘Owch. Don’t.’
‘Sorry.’ She murmured under her breath. ‘I’ll kill him.’ Vinny was surprised at the anger in her voice. ‘Join the queue, sweetheart.’ He said. ‘I think Oscar gets first press of the switch on that one.’ She was too close. He could smell her, wet hair, expensive cloth and tired woman scents. Without really thinking, he slid his arms around her and pulled her up against him, leaning back against the dead tree behind him, supporting her weight. Poor girl needs some comfort, he told himself. As if she hasn’t been through enough. ‘Tell me about your mom?’ He asked, stroking her head with the arm not encased in metal, running his claws through her wet hair. ‘Maybe it’ll help.’
She moved so her head was side-on to him, and reached up to wrap her arms gratefully around his neck.
‘She was the most beautiful person in the world. Everyone said so.’ Windsong said, her voice choked with tears. ‘Her name was Ellamina. That’s why Skai and I have name as our second names. In our family, you take your father’s family name, and your mother’s name as your second name.’
‘That happens with humans sometimes too.’
‘Her eyes were green like mine, but her hair was the palest sky blue you ever saw, almost white, and it was wispy. Sometimes when she was wearing blue dresses, she looked like a cloud in the morning. My father loved her very much, and so did we. Why did she have to die?’
‘I don’t know, princess. I’m not smart like some people. Try asking Jon, he seems to know everything at the moment.’
Windsong laughed. ‘I don’t think I should. He always looks so confused.’ Vinny remembered how Jon had looked before. He was far from confused. She turned her head to look up at him. ‘Vinny, when I get my throne back, will you be my king?’
‘Uh?’ He was startled. ‘Um...I dunno....I mean, that’s something Gauss could do much better than me. I don’t think I’d make a good king. I couldn’t give orders or anything. Did you just ask me to marry you? You, did, didn’t you? I mean, you’re fourteen!’
‘So? I was going to marry Gauss in a few years and he’s more than a hundred, I think.’ Windsong pointed out, a little petulantly.
‘I guess. I mean, I never really thought of myself as a marriage kind of guy. And besides, don’t princesses have to marry princes?’
‘When you’re Queen, you make the rules.’
‘Give me some time to think about it.’
‘Don’t take too long. I’m getting very wet’
‘Look, princess.’ Vinny said, sliding out from under her and setting her back on her feet. ‘It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just I think you’ve latched onto me because I’m the first person you ran into that actually talked to you straight. I’m not the guy for you. I bet there are plenty of great princes out there who’d be perfect for you. I’m just a backstreet guy who’s been marked for something big by some crazy God with an electricity fetish. I mean, have you noticed how often I’ve been shocked, blasted and electrocuted recently? You want a potato fritter for a husband?’
‘No, silly. I don’t princes or potato fritters, whatever they are. I want you.’ Windsong laughed. ‘I love you, you stupid beast.’
‘Hey, don’t call me st...’ She interrupted him by standing up on tiptoe and kissing him. Not that he hadn’t seen it coming, but it was still unexpected. She tasted a little metallic, and of the warm rain on her lips.
‘There.’ She said, pulling back. ‘That wasn’t so bad, was it?’
‘Nu-uh.’ Vinny shook his head, unable to form proper words. ‘Uhm.’
Windsong snaked her arms back around his neck, pressing herself close against him. His whole body was full of buzzing sparks again, but oh so much better this time. ‘My fire-eyed prince.’ She murmured, kissing his neck and burying her hands in his hair. Little fireworks were going off in his head, he was floating in the electric blue sea again. She was stripping off his wet coat now. He had no objections any longer, he just wanted to lose himself in her forever.
‘Okay, okay...I’ll marry you if you want.’
‘Yay.’
The rain had put the campfire out. Oscar, Gauss and Jon sat inside the ship, with the rain drumming gently on the metal outer casing. A black mood hung inside the ship. Oscar and Gauss had unanimously sent Jon to Coventry for whatever it was he had said that had upset Vinny so much after he had just got better. This didn’t really matter, as Jon was no state to speak to anyone at that point.
‘We should go out and look for him.’ Oscar finally said. Just then, a figure appeared at the door.
‘Bet you it’s Joel.’ Gauss said, pessimistically, leaning on the back of the co-pilot’s chair.
‘Mwahahahaha, yes it is I, evil Joel.’ Vinny said, shaking the water off his coat. ‘Thanks a lot, Gauss. Couldn’t you tell it was me from the smell?’ Windsong stepped in behind him and waved at them.
‘Hi Windsong.’ Oscar said, waving slightly. ‘You look wet. And...’ He peered. ‘Very....uh....what’s the word? Radiant?’
‘Heeheheeheheeheheeeee.’ Gauss leered, chuckling.
‘Oh don’t tell me you can tell.’ Vinny complained, disbelievingly.
‘It’s the smell. Like you said.’ Gauss waved a hand nonchalantly.
‘It’s not as if we could hide it.’ Windsong said, attaching herself to Vinny’s arm and kissing him on the cheek. ‘We’re engaged!’
‘Eh..yeah. We are.’
‘Wonderful. Congratulations. Remind me to shred the papers when I get back to my castle. Unless they haven’t already burned them.’ Gauss said. ‘They’re a nice yellow, maybe we could use them for confetti.’
‘Can I be best man?’ Oscar asked.
‘Oh of course, just forget about me.’ Gauss complained.
‘You’ll have to give her away, won’t you?’ Oscar said.
‘Oh yes, good point, as the previously arranged husband, I will won’t I.’
‘I’m best man then.’ Oscar said.
‘What about Jon?’ Windsong asked.
‘Jon?’ Gauss asked. ‘Who’s Jon? Oh, you mean the so-called man of God who went walkabout when his friend was near-death and then as soon as he got better started acting strangely and scared the wits out of him. That Jon. He’s over there.’
‘Oh, right.’
‘I wasn’t near-death.’
‘The principle remains the same.’
Oscar looked pleadingly at Vinny in a ‘I-can’t-talk-to-him-because-Gauss-won’t-and-please-will-you-do-it-because-then-Gauss-might-change-his-mind’ kind of way and turned to the control panels. ‘While we’re all here.’ He said, nonchalantly. ‘I may as well take off before anyone runs off again or anyone finds us here, eh?’
Vinny nodded, in response to both the spoken and unspoken queries. He looked at Jon, who sat on one of the grunt-shelves nursing his sword and buckler. He seemed pretty far gone in some kind of introverted trance. Vinny looked into his eyes and saw nothing, not even the frightening religious zeal of before. He wasn’t sure which one was more worrying.
‘Jon? Are you still in there? It’s okay, you were right. I don’t know how you knew, but you were right.’
No response. Windsong stood nearby, looking worried. Oscar sighed in relief, quietly. Gauss looked worried.
Vinny bit his lip. Then he reached out and took Jon’s sword from his unresisting hands. ‘Jon, I accept your sword, if the offer is still open. And as your...um...’
‘Liege.’ Gauss whispered, not sure what was going on.
‘As your leej, I command you to look at me.’
Jon looked up, wearily, and a little of the light came back to his eyes.
‘Jon, don’t do this. You haven’t done me any harm. I’m tougher than that. I forgive you.’
‘Only the Lord can forgive my sins.’ John said, in a cracked voice.
‘Maybe so, but I can forgive the ones you did to me.’
John said nothing. Gauss was worried. He had no idea Jon was this far gone. There must be something seriously wrong with him for him to react like this. He wasn’t sure whether it was the nanobots or some reaction of Jon’s to losing his seemingly unshakeable faith in the Seraphic Order of the Arthurian Knights of Ineffable Dogma.
‘Come on, Jon.’ Vinny said, biting his lip so hard he drew blood. ‘I thought you I and I were brothers. The number of times you said it.’
Jon lowered his head and shook it. ‘Sinful. Not worthy. Not worthy to baptise you.’
‘Baptize me? I don’t want to be baptised, I want you to come back to us.’
Jon looked up at Vincit and saw only a shining faraway figure of coruscating electric-blue light. ‘My Lord.’ He said. ‘I cannot.’
‘We are brothers, Jon. If you don’t believe me, I’ll make it like that.’ Vinny lifted John’s tatooed right hand, and sandwiched the blade between it, and his own with his left hand. Then he drew the blade out sharply, wincing. John did not respond. Vinny locked their fingers together. A tiny trickle of blood ran down his wrist.
Jon, lost in a frozen wilderness of his own making felt warmth begin to flow into him from his right hand. He regarded it with mild interest, and watched shimmering blue light spread up his arm towards his heart, flooding him with light and warmth.
Vincit on the other hand, was experiencing something quite different.
Who are you?
Eh? Is there someone else in here now? Vinny thought. It’s getting busy in my head. I’m Vinny.
We are Miriam.
Miriam? Oh, right, yeah, you’re the nanobots. Nanobots have names?
As a collective entity, we gave ourself a name.
Oscar said something weird happened to you little guys.
Yes, it did.
Wait..Miriam...Mariam..Mary..you’re the Virgin Mary?
Yes, that is what Jon calls us.
Well, that explains a lot.
You are trying to heal him with your carbon-based fluids and the power of the Stone of Fal. Thank you, we are unimaginably grateful. We can heal his body, but this sickness is in his soul. We thought he would die, and we with him.
Nanobots can die?
His soul is our soul. We would become machines again. It would be as dying.
Do some of you want to stay in me?
Oh no. Even now millions of us have melted just being inside you. The Holy Fire within you is too great for us. We are speaking to you through the part of your blood that is diluted by Jon’s to a safe enough concentration of power.
Oh. Sorry.
It is not a problem. We replicate fast.
Vincit?
Jon?
Yes.
You have made me well with the Sang Real. Vinny noticed that his and Jon’s eyes were locked now.
I don’t know what that means. I only knew that you were thirsty. In fact, I don’t even know why I just said that..
It doesn’t matter, brother.
That’s more like it.
I will return to Jon’s corpus alone now Vincit. Miriam said. You have my undying gratitude.
Yeah, nice meeting you too, Miriam.
Miriam laughed. It sounded like tiny silver bells. Then she disappeared from his psyche.
Jon laughed and sat up, and Vinny heard echoes of Miriam on the edge his voice.
‘I seem to be bleeding.’ He said.
‘I hope you were the same blood type.’ Said Gauss, with a hint of anger in his voice.
‘Zardarkian blood is like Black, Gauss. It goes with everything.’ Vinny said. ‘Buck up, danger’s over, ain’t it Jon?’
Jon nodded. ‘I am still bleeding.’ Oh yeah, sorry, I’ll get the bandages...hey, when did we get up in space?’
‘While you were still in some sort of jolly comradely trance.’ Gauss said.
‘What is wrong with you?’ Vincit asked, pulling bandages out of the medkit and glancing at Oscar who gave a ‘how-was-I-to-know-he’d-react-like-this?’ look back. ‘I mean he only freaked me out, it’s obvious he was messed up in the head, I don’t blame him, so why do you?’ Vinny tossed Jon a roll of bandages and began to wrap up his own hand. He was getting quite a collection of scars. ‘Hey. Look at me. I’d do the same for you if it was you in that situation, but you wouldn’t get in that situation, because you’re smarter than that.’
‘Do you mind.’ Jon complained.
Vinny grinned at him. Then he turned back to Gauss and waved Jon’s bloodstained sword, before wiping the blade with some pieces of bandage. ‘What is it, you want a matching scar on that shiny claw of yours. You wanna join the bodily fluid swapping club too? There are probably some of Miriam’s nanobots on here still, you want some of them too?’
‘Of course not, that would never get through my skin.’ Gauss said, proudly. ‘And who is Miriam?’
‘Eh.’ Vinny stopped. ‘Oh, that’s what Jon’s nanobots call ‘emselves, ain’t it Jon?’
Jon nodded.
‘Nanobots are machines. They don’t call themselves anything,’
‘Well you try telling that to her, cause she ain’t listening.’ Vinny shrugged. Before Gauss could ask any more questions there was a crash, and everyone was thrown against the side of the ship, except Oscar who was strapped in (kids! Be like smart Oscar and always wear your seatbelt when on a space cruiser being attacked by crazy people!).
‘We’re under attack.’ He shouted.
‘Yes, we guessed that.’ Gauss replied, unhooking himself from an oxygen tank. A light battlecruiser appeared on the viewscreen and there was a crackle on the hailing channel.
‘Guess whooo?’
‘The toothfairy.’ Vinny suggested.
‘Well, look what the cat dragged in.’ Windsong commented, sitting up.
‘Hello Joel.’ Gauss said, happily. ‘Decided to take time off from kicking puppies and stealing candy from babies to pay a call on us, eh?’
‘Oh, I’ve always got time for you guys.’ Joel replied. You could hear the smirk. The ship rocked again. Oscar flipped off the hailer.
‘Maybe we can outrun him. We can’t outfight him in that.’
‘I remember flying one of those.’ Windsong said, wistfully. ‘My father had them specially commissioned to celebrate his 30th birthday. By the way, they have a weakspot under the laser ports on the fourth gun turret.’
‘Thanks.’ Said Oscar, locked on and fired the torpedoes. You could practically hear Joel’s cursing, despite the lack of particles in space to bang together, as his engines blew and he spiralled into the gravity well of the nearby planet and crashed, blazing re-entry fire, into the surface, skidding along.
‘So long, sucker.’ Vinny waved out of the side window.
‘We should rescue him.’ Jon said, quietly.
‘Vinny, Jon needs some more blood.’ Windsong said, airily.
‘No, I see his logic.’ Oscar said, sadly. ‘Look at it this way. If I know Joel, he probably survived. We leave him down there, he’ll crawl like a cockroach out of the wreckage, find some way to get off the planet, and then come back with another bigger ship.’
‘So you think we should go down there, fish him out while he’s still weak, shoot him in the head, cut his body into a million little pieces, skewer them with long metal poles along with red and green peppers, and a nice sauce and roast them over a slow fire?’
‘Well, that’s more elaborate than I was thinking, but roughly the same.’
‘You forgot the wine.’ Windsong pointed out. ‘Always a thick red, with roast Joel.’
‘Ugh, there is no way I’m eating Joel.’ Vinny said. ‘I’d throw up.’
‘I like this plan.’ Oscar said, and steered the ship in for landing near Joel’s crash site. ‘I get the left thigh.’
Vinny stepped out of the airlock first, a heavy rifle slung over his shoulder, followed by the others. Mickey the Cod emerged from a nearby pool of water.
‘Vinny.’ He said. ‘Long time no see.’
‘Not long enough, Mickey.’ Vinny replied and shot him through the squishy fishy eyes. Then he pulled a small stick out of his pocket and put a fourth notch in it with his claw, before putting it back in his pocket. ‘I’m hoping after about 10 lives he’ll give up.’ He said.
‘No chance.’ Gauss said, poking at the body with the butt of his rifle. They made tracks towards the splintered remains of Joel’s ship, eventually finding the mangled inner hull buried amongst long sections of the ship. Gauss turned into full dragon form (much to the surprise of the others) and shifted them away, before ripping the remains of the airlock door off it’s hinges with a flick of his giant wrist. He shrank back down to his normal size and dusted his claws off in a satisfied way.
‘Showoff.’ Windsong said.
‘And proud.’ He replied. Vinny and Jon crawled inside the crushed cockpit and poked around. A moan came from under the pilot’s seat that sounded like ‘heeeeelp’.
‘Bingo.’ Vinny said, and tore the pilot’s seat, which was crushed forward, revealing a battered and bloody Joel’s back. Jon lifted the demon over onto his back.
‘You think it’s safe to move him?’ Vinny asked.
‘I do not know.’ Jon said, staring at Joel’s horns. A real demon, sure enough. He had never encountered one before.
‘Like I care.’ Vinny said, and slung Joel over his shoulder. Joel moaned in pain. ‘Shut up, you, you should be grateful we came back.’
‘Oh shit.’ Joel mumbled. ‘Why did it have to be you?’
‘Call it divine justice.’ Vinny suggested.
Our five intrepid heroes contemplated Joel, who they had tied, strapped, padlocked, clamped and whatever else they could finded to the bed in the medical bay-cupboard-thingy. He was moving around, feverishly, fighting the bonds.
‘I think he’s ill.’ Windsong said, resting a hand gingerly on the forehead, avoiding the horns.
‘Goodgood.’ Gauss rubbed his hands together. ‘We needn’t lay a finger on him, then, let whatever it is do the work for us.’
‘If we let him die, it is as good as killing him. If we kill him, then we are as sinful as he.’ Jon pointed out.
‘Maybe.’ Gauss raised a finger. ‘But firstly, there are more of us that he tried to kill, and secondly, he’s tried to kill us far more often than this one time we’re going to kill him.
‘Okay, Gauss, you’re dancing the tango, but maybe Jon and I aren’t playing two entirely different waltzes, here.’ Vinny said. ‘He hasn’t actually killed any of us, has he?’
‘Not through any possible level of want of trying.’ Gauss added.
‘Maybe not.’ Vinny replied, thinking.
‘Haven’t got the guts to kill me, eh, pussies? You can’t keep me here forever.’ Joel said, in a moment of eerie feverish clarity.
‘No, but we can keep you here until this whole business is over with, can’t we?’ Gauss smiled. ‘I must say I’m still going firmly for the killing you option.’
Joel emitted a low growl, and lapsed back into mumbling.
‘Personally, I’m for killing him, but that leaves us in a tied vote and I think the person we should really be asking here is Oscar, don’t you?’ Windsong said. ‘After all, he is his brother, right?’
Oscar did not confirm or deny this, merely gazed at Joel, sadly.
‘Yours is the decider, Oscar.’ Gauss said. ‘No pressure.’
Oscar looked at Joel, tossing and turning. He had no doubt that they would kill Joel if he asked, and perhaps that would be a good thing. Then Joel could do no more harm to anyone. Unless maybe his angry ghost came back to haunt them, but then all it could do was moan and throw things, really. But to speak Joel’s death sentence, would that really make him as bad as Joel, judging who should die? Hadn’t Joel judged long ago that he, Oscar should die?
‘No.’ Oscar said. ‘Don’t kill him.’ And turned away.
‘There go the green peppers.’ Gauss sighed.
‘You wouldn’t really eat him, would you?’ Vinny asked.
‘Of course not. I’m sure he’d taste terrible. Traditionally, we prefer maiden sacrfiices. However, since you are the ones who wanted him to live, what do you suggest we do with him now?’
‘Like you said, keep him tied up until we find the Hikari-no, who by the way, can be found in the...’ Vincit closed his eyes and concentrated. ‘Third quadrant of the Khenteles star system, co-ordinates 156978 124570. Does that make sense?’
‘That’s a long way.’ Gauss told him, looking at Joel. ‘Are you sure you can put up with him till then?’
‘We’ll gag his stupid mouth up, if he sings.’
Gauss laughed and went to consult the star-charts.
‘He will neither sing, talk nor do anything, if we do not do something about these injuries and soon.’ Jon said. Joel was pale and shivering.
‘Bandages and blankets then.’ Vinny said. ‘Fetch, Vinny boy...there might be a bone in it for you..’
We compute we have a 65% chance of being able to heal the demon if his physiology is not too different to yours. Miriam said, in a voice only Jon could hear. Shall we proceed? There will be no loss to you.
If you wish. Jon replied. Please be careful, Miriam.
We will heal the wounds and eradicate the bacterial toxins and return to you. Whether he likes it or not. If he tries to harm you, we will emit an ultrasonic pulse that will render him immediately unconscious, his physiology allowing. Please place your hands on the patient.
Jon rested his hands on Joel’s torn shirt.
Please place your hands in direct contact with the patient.
Oh, sorry. Jon moved his hands to Joel’s forehead.
‘Is he still burning up?’ Vinny asked, wrapping a blanket around Joel’s sleeping form. Jon nodded. Tiny silver motes spread out of his hand and across Joel’s head. Vinny grinned and watched.
‘Hey, go Miriam.’
Joel’s wounds began to close up. His eyes snapped open.
‘AAAAHHHHH!’ He screamed, making everyone jump. ‘ MILLIONS OF THEM, CRAWLING ALL OVER ME, GET THEM OUT OF ME!!’
Oh, stop making such a fuss, you silly man. Miriam snapped. I’m helping. Only Jon and Joel heard her, but Vinny could guess what was going on. Windsong was mystified.
Vinny chuckled. ‘I’m loving every minute of this.’
Joel was writhing and trying madly to scratch himself against the table, mumbling and cursing about ants in his blood. Then he seemed to fall asleep and lay still on the table.
Done. Miriam said. The tiny motes of silver light, blobs of clustered nanobots in drops of sweat, crawled back up into Jon’s hands.
You can lift your hands up now. I have healed him. But I feel drained by it. He is very bad, he sucks life into himself. I must rest.
Thank you.
I will do anything for you, Jon.
‘Is she done?’ Vinny asked. Jon nodded.
‘He made his nanobots fix Joel?’ Windsong asked.
‘Quick and easy.’ Vinny shrugged. ‘Don’t get too close to him. He smells like he’s faking sleep. He has liar’s sweat stink.’
‘Bastard.’ Joel said, opening his eyes and lifting his head. ‘Damn your nose.’
‘I am rubber, you are glue, and I think you’ll find that you’re tied up too.’ Vinny said. Windsong giggled. ‘I’ve got another one.’ He said. ‘What’s the definition of impotent? A demon without a pen. How many demons does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they’re too busy smashing up the sun.’
Joel said nothing, just glared daggers at Vinny, who returned them with a gaze like a volcano.
‘I shall take the first watch.’ Jon said.
And so, what will our intrepid heroes do with Joel, or he with them if he gets out? What will happen when they find the Hikari-no? Is Windsong’s sister really alive? What about King Adamus and Moebius, or Nike, or any of the others I couldn’t be bothered involving in the chapter? What colour confetti does Windsong want at the wedding? And will Oscar ever actually answer a question relating to his or Joel’s origins? (not unless Joe tells us what they actually are) Find out in the next exiting installment, because I obviously haven’t a bloody clue, I’m not writing it...It’s half two in the morning, and I just wrote from four o’clock in the afternoon till now and went between 19 and 36 pages without actually noticing any of that time or paper passing, so I’m going to bed.
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