Introduction
The Book of Fluids was, undeniably, born of traditional forum posts. Each chapter was a different post by a user. In the case of "He Will Crush You All", we have a silly little situation that bloomed into a downright scary random fan fic--by the own authors--featuring all the characters in a completely out of character situation. But after all, this was what some of us wanted--fan fiction... we just happen to be the biggest fans.
Anyways, here's the forum nonsense--and I hope you enjoy it, because I'm completely ashamed of all my old writing. I have only myself to blame--I started the bloody thing, anyways...
One of those idle days on the BoF message board, Joe started something. It began as an outtake and exploded into a cute little behind-the-scenes tale of utter sillyness, perversion and disturbing nonsense.
Joe: It was just a crazy idea... but it kinda got outta hand... you'll see...
"C'mon, we gotta get movin'!" Vinny yelled. It was enough to bring our heroes around and the group turned and started running down the empty street to the square. They hadn't gone more than a few yards when the ground started to shake.
"What in God's name?" Jon said, nearly losing his balance. Everybody lurched around. Oscar lost his balance and tumbled backwards onto his butt. Miriam grabbed Jon to stablize herself. Vinny found his footing and looked around for what was causing the ruckus. His head stopped moving as he looked straight ahead, then slowly looked upwards as the shadow covered the entire group... "Oh, my shit..."
The giant mech towered over the buildings--it had to be twenty stories tall. In the cockpit at the top, a familar figure waved and flipped a switch: "Hello, Vincit! It's me, your old pal... Mickey! And I'm gonna crush you all! My revenge is at hand!"
Gauss rolled his eyes, "It's like Team Rocket... but worse..."
"What?" Oscar said.
"You know, Team Rocket?"
"Wait a second, you can't go making that reference," Miriam interrupted, "That doesn't fit this time frame at all." "What?"
"She's right," Oscar nodded, "Pokemon is WAYYY too obscure for us to be referring to it--"
"Pokemon!" Vincit exclaimed, looking around, "WHERE?! FLAPPERS UNITE!"
"This is silly," Jon said, "We're all getting off the subject, and now this part is ruined..."
"This isn't even an official part of the story! We're just goofing around!" Gauss exclaimed.
"I'd like to fry me up a nice Pikachu right about now," Vincit continued, "Better yet, make it RAW!"
Oscar looked at Vinny, "Ewww..."
"HEY!" Joel yelled, poking his head out of a nearby alley, "Do you guys need me? I'm going to the, uh... mall... to do some, uh... shopping... yeah..."
"G'wan, get outta here," Oscar waved.
"EXCUSE ME!" Mickey's voice boomed over the mech's loudspeaker, "Hello?! 'I will crush you all?!'"
Gauss sighed, "Would somebody just kill him so we can get out of here?"
Behind some rubble down the street, Joe got out of his chair and walked around so he could be seen, "CUT. Alright, guys, guess things just didn't work out, but thanks for the time--we'll get in touch later--oh, and has anybody seen Moebius? He still owes me twenty bucks..."
Vae: XDD Hurrah for outtakes!
Tred: ROFLMAO!
Irwin: *giggles insanely* That's great!! You know about FLAP too...hehehe...
Vinny :Me and Gauss shoulda gone big monster on his ass..
Irwin:Mickey mecha...heheheheheeee *ducks the wrath of Dhan* You're not getting that $20 back.
'Hehehehehe, I told them I was going to the mall.' Joel said, appearing round the door of the broom closet holding a brown paper bag.
'Whatcha got?' Nevin asked, hanging upside down off a set of shelves, swaying gently next to a mop and bucket. 'Security camera footage from Zardark Council meeting room forty-five.' Joel replied, removing a black tape from the bag, along with a bottle of Jack Daniels. He opened it up and took a swig.
'I fail to see what of what interest that would be.' Klot pointed out. He was sat in the corner of the broom closet, propped up against the wall.
'Hah, that's what you think.' Joel said, waving a finger at Klot before kneeling down and slotting the tape into a video machine left in storage in the closet. 'And Joe says you owe him $20, Moebius.'
'Bah, I was hoping he'd forgotten.' Moebius said, disappointedly, hunched crosslegged under the shelves. 'Wasn't I Tootoo?'
'How would I know, I'm not a mind-reader.' The little plush reindeer replied from Moebius' shoulder.
'Cheeky Reindeer.'
'Shut up, it's starting.' Joel snapped, pushing the play button.
The tape flicked on. They watched for a while.
'I don't get it.' Klot said. 'It's just the ex-emperor and the goddamned beast talking.' He fingered his throat, nervously. Joel pushed the fast forward for a bit.
'HAHAHAAAAAAAA....they're not JUST TALKING anymore!!' Nevin shrieked, pointing and filling the closet with raucous laughter.
Everyone sat in silence for a while watching, open mouthed.
Moebius covered his eyes with Tootoo. Tootoo covered his eyes with a paw. Joel grinned, horribly. Nevin swung gently from side to side, giggling occasionally. Klot sat, head resting on his knees.
'Bit rabid, see.' Nevin said and snickered.
'Don't want my eyes anymore.' Moebius whined.
'Why are we watching this?' Klot asked Joel.
'Blackmail material.' Joel said.
'I've seen more than enough for reasonable blackmail now.' Klot replied. 'Enough for unreasonable blackmail.'
'Spoilsport.' Nevin complained.
'You're not enjoying it...' Klot asked, disgusted.
Nevin snickered again.
'Mad and perverted.' Klot shook his head.
'Going to my happy place.' Moebius said, frantically. 'Lots of dead bodies. Bunnies.'
The door opened.
'What are you four up to? Hey, I see you, Moebius, hiding behind that plushie. Gimme my twenty back. What ..the....'
Tred: Bad Joel... Irwin: Now _there's_ a tautology.
Tred:
"Hey, that can is moving..." Jon pointed.
"Darn" said Max, leaving his hiding place.
"How do you do that anyway?" asked Gauss. The spy leaned to him and whispered something. "He didn't... he wouldn't... he would, wouldn't he?"
Max nodded.
"You IDIOT!" said Gauss, pulling a mallet out of thin air and smashing it down his Chief of Security's head. "I told you to get rid of that tape!"
Vinny shifted uneasily. Jon and Oscar tilted their heads and asked in unisson: "what tape?"
"Eh, uhm..."
"Uh... well this is embarassing," said Gauss.
"Could be wors-"
"Hey guys," said Wyn, arriving from Girl's Night Out with Skai, Nike, Miriam, Nicolette and (why not) Krystal's ghost.
"Aw phuck..."
"What's wrong?"
"An important tape seems to have gone missing..." replied Jon. "Surely you guys will tell us what it is about, aye?" he asked, turning to Vinny and Gauss.
Gauss pulled out his cell phone. "Syne? I need to report an imminent regicide..."
Suddenly they heard Joe's inhuman scream of agony...
"NOOOOOO!!!! MY EYES!!!!! THEY BUUUURN!!!!!!!!!!!111111111..."
Joe: *ROFLMAO* Hilari-o! It's my flavotire!
Vae: Ono, Joe is corrupted!
Fortunately the above wasn't about the yaoi. (I don't have enough information to comment or speculate further at this time)
Irwin: TEEEHEHEHEHEHEHE
*mental note, post yaoi eventually*
'Is he going to be OK?' Oscar asked.
Miriam leaned against the door. 'Well, yes, I think so. His eyes are back in their sockets now, and we mopped up most of the brain.'
Jon looked around. 'I wonder where Gauss and Vincit have gone.'
Oscar looked around. 'Joel's disappeared too.'
'Last I saw them they were running in opposite directions.' Irwin said, appearing out of a nearby door. 'Joel was just running like hell. Gauss and Vinny were looking for something I think.'
'What?' Oscar asked.
'This.' Irwin said, reaching into her long leather coat and pulling out a tape.
'What is it?' Miriam asked.
'Mine.' Irwin said, putting a finger to her lips. 'I'm adding it to my collection. Now I'm going to watch the one with Rik, Whutty and Tredert. See you later.'
Just then Vinny and Gauss came round the corner and saw her/
'Hey!!' Vinny yelled. Irwin laughed, span on her heel and ran for it, dodging round Vae and Tredert who were coming the other way. A second later, they were dodged around again by Vinny and Gauss.
Irwin laughed and ran. 'I AM THE QUEEEEEN OF YAOI!'
Tred:
Tredert poked at the plush lobster. "Hey, Vae, what's wrong? Are you sick?"
Vae chuckled from behind a nearby tree. "Hah, they'll never get me to work." He slipped away.
Irwin entered her room and found Nike and Nicolette trying to violate that law about two bodies occupying the same space at the same time. She opened her mouth in glee, but Windsong sneaked up from behind her and pulled the tape from her hands. "Good job, girls," she said, running away. Nic and Nik followed. Irwin went in pursuit, running into Gauss and Vinny.
"They got the tape" she pointed.
"Nooooo we're doomed!"
"It's all your fault," said Gauss menacingly. "That tape was none of your business."
"No, you see, my job as queen of yaoi includes- LOOK BEHIND YOU! IT'S JOEL! IN A BATTLESUIT!"
"Hahah, very fun-" said Vinny, being interrupted by long metallic tentacles closing around him.
"Ooooh, tentacle rape yaoi" said Irwin.
Joel snickered. "No, just because I'm mean."
Irwin shrugged and went running after her tape.
"So, the two lavender warriors escaped from my blackmail plan, huh?"
"Not exactly escaped..." Vinny pointed out.
Joel dropped them down. "Let's make a deal. If you help me get Oscar, I'll help you destroy that tape."
"Or else?" asked Gauss defiantly.
"Or else the girls will see how cutely your feet press against Vinny's back while he-"
"Ok, I get the picture."
"Really, it's a wonder your orifices heal after-"
"Comes with being a dragon. Now could you please shut up?"
"I mean, even I was a little grossed out when he did that thing with..."
"AAARGH SHUT UP" yelled Vinny, jumping on Joel and making the suit come crashing to the ground. "Besides, he asked me to," he added. Gauss blushed.
Elsewhere, Miriam, Katje and the others sat on a large couch with popcorn and soda. Windsong pushed the tape into the VCR and moved her hand to the PLAY button WHEN SUDDENLY...
Joe:
"HOLY CRAP!"
"What the hell's going on outside?!"
The girls leapt off the couch and went running to the window. Outside, a slew of SURTR soliders and Mi-Go were cheering as Aris and Mickey the Cod were duking it out in a mecha match--and Mickey was losing rapidly.
"Stop it! *CRASH* Stop it! *CRUSH* STOP IT! *SMASH*"
Aris was piloting his mech with surprising expert precision, shoving Mickey's machine to the ground and stomping repeatedly on the glass cockpit. The by-standers were in a riot.
"Just a bunch of boys with toys," Miriam commented, turning around and walking back over to the couch, followed by Nicolette and Krystal. Nike, Wyn, and Katje stayed at the window, actually getting into the match.
"The tape's gone!" Nicolette said, bringing everyone's attention to the entertainment center.
"Darn it! Who stole it?!"
"I dunno--find Irwin--Vinny, Gauss, ANYBODY!"
From outside there was a shatter, scream, splat and cheer.
"Terrible... just terrible," Joe was mumbling, sitting in the bed, a bandage around his head, covering his eyes.
"That was cool," Skai said, "Can you do that trick again?"
Oscar shook his head, "I don't think Joe wants to loose his brains again."
"The horror... the horror..."
Then there was a knock at the door. Oscar got up and walked over, "Wonder who that could be..."
Tred: This is fun! Someone else continue!
(Spooky house... I'm starting to make Joe-based obscure references... kudos to us )
Oscar opened the door. There was a box on the floor. He picked it up, lifted the lid. There was a note inside.
"We have the tape. Come to the Spooky Mansion at midnight. Or else.
P.S: You'll never find out who we are. Give up already.
P.P.S: I really hate you, Oscar, really really really!
P.P.P.S: Lemons! Berries! Weee!"
(followed by some strange scribbling as if someone had tried to hold a pen between plush little paws)
"Bad Joel," he said.
"Now that's a tautology," said Irwin, appearing from nowhere. "I want my tape back," she added. At the mention of the tape, Joe screamed and fainted.
Oscar nodded. "Right... here's the plan..."
Elsewhere, Tredert was being himself to Nike.
“Come on, gimme some love,” he said. “I brought some white chocolate! I wanna eat it from your thighs!”
“Oh my God, that is sooo, like, not going to happen,” she said, filing her nails.
“Stop that preppy speak, I created you with an IQ of 200. Where did you learn it anyway?”
“Nicolette. We’re becoming real close, you know.”
“Of course I know, I created you! And I command you: get kinky for me!”
“Nope,” she said, snickering.
“Deer-phucking Gawd, what’s wrong with you? Why everyone else in the BoF cast and not me?”
“That’d feel wrong, you’re, like, my daddy,” she said, gesturing dismissively.
“But… but… there’s so much wrong with that idea that I can’t even begin to… oh, just look at me! I’m gonna pour molten chocolate on my chest! See, I’m HOOOOT AARGH IT BURNS IT BURNS!!!!…”
Nike smiled and continued to file her nails as her creator writhed.
Chromelips entered the room, carefully avoided Tredert's puddle of sweet pain, and said to Nike: "We got a note... it said that we girls should go to the Spooky Mansion at midnight if we wanted to learn the contents of the tape."
"Who's going?"
"All of us. I've got a feeling that it will be fun..."
Vinny and Gauss were arguing and blaming one another as usual, and that was making them horny, as it always did. Just before they could engage in any more compromising activities, though, Whutty entered the room and caused them to immediately multiply by a tenfold the distance between their faces. "*groan* I'm sorry to interrupt, but I dhought you'd like to know I received a note saying dhat if you two want to destroy dhe tape you must appear at the Spooky Mansion today at midnight..."
"Uhm, er, thanks Whutty," said Gauss. "Can you come with us?"
"Sure, why not, it's not as if I have a reputation dhat can be harmed..."
Vinny snarled. "Hey, it's not that bad. Almost no-one knows. Only you."
"Because I had to get dhe doctor, right?"
Gauss groaned: "How the hell would I know the Claw of Fendegist would cause aggravated damage?" He then realized what he had said and blushed. Vinny smiled embarrassedly.
Whutty sighed. "I'm horrified and disgusted."
"Right, uhm, let's get ready, it's almost 11 p.m..."
Joe: "Joe-based obscure reference"? What's that supposed to mean?
Tred sat in the medical bed, his chest wrapped in bandages. On the other side of the room, Joe lay, his head still wearing the blood soaked wrapping.
"Burn accident?"
"Don't ask--don't bloody ask."
"Why do you smell like chocolate--"
"Shut up!"
Joe chuckled, "She wouldn't give it to you either, would she."
"No--wha? What do you mean 'either'?"
Joe frowned, "Huh?"
Tredert had a critical look on his face, "Did... did you... ?"
"Did I what?"
"Did you and Nike--"
"No--heck no, course not. I'm like, her uncle, I can't do that."
"Oh, alright... honest?"
"Yeah, this is me we're talking about."
Tred raised an eyebrow at that statement, "Truth be told, I don't know you all that well."
"Look, if you don't believe ME, you can ask her yourself--"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Tred yelled, pointing.
"WHERE?! WHAT?! WHERE?!" Joe was looking around (which was quite useless, seeing as he couldn't see at the moment anyways.
"HOLY SH--"
"TREDERT! WHERE'D YOU G--"
Meanwhile:
It was a dark and stormy night. When lightning flashed in the sky, one could see the outline of the spooky looking manse on the top of the hill, surrounded by dead oaks and giant tombstones. The next time the lightning flashed, one could see the outline of the J-Train as it made its descent to the front door of the mansion. Touching down at the roll of thunder. Inside, Oscar got up from the pilot's chair and left the cockpit to go back into the common area. Nearly all were in attendance: Irwin, Jon, Miriam, Wyn, Skai, Nike, Nicolette, Krystal, Chromelips, (and whomever else we want present--I can't list them ALL right now--did Vinny, Gauss and Whutty come with us? I'm not sure).
"Alright, folks. Last stop: really creepy house. Everybody out--here, Skai, I've got a poncho for you. Anybody else want to cover up--it's storming--umberrella's won't hold."
"Oscar," Miriam said.
"What?"
"Stop trying to be in charge."
"Just trying to be helpful."
"It's much appreciated, now chill out."
Skai looked out through one of the port windows, "Oooo, scary-looking."
Windsong nodded, "Yeah, sure is--you sure you want to come along?"
"You kiddin'! This is cool! Lesgo!"
The group walked through the rain and up onto the grand porch, where they paused before entering.
Oscar sighed and reached for the knob on the large, double oak doors, "Welcome, foolish mortals..."
He opened the door.
Irwin:
'That's MY line!' Irwin complained.
Oscar shrugged.
'Last one inside's a flayed bunny rabbit.' Irwin said, pushing the door open, running inside and disappearing off into one of the spooky corridors.
'Where's she off to?' Wyn asked. 'Hey..' Skai streaked past under her arm and followed Irwin. She saw Irwin round a corner, but when she got there, the girl was gone.
'Boo!' Irwin pounced and began tickling Skai, who squeaked and giggled.
After a tickling match, they got up.
'Let's play some tricks.' Irwin said.
'K.' Skai replied.
- 
joeslash
The rest of them sat around by the fire in the beeg entrance hall, warming their hands.
'Any idea what's on the tape?' Wyn asked Miriam, offhandly.
'Yes.' Miriam said. 'I'm not saying.'
'K. Just asking.'
~~
'Whatcha doing, cariad?'
'Setting up funny tricks. What are you doing here?'
'This is where everyone was going!' Nevin replied, cheerfully. 'And I heard Joel and Moebius talking about planning something.'
'Want to help us?' Skai asked.
Nevin nodded.
Irwin grinned. 'Here's a black sheet. You can be count dracula.'
'Von. Two Zree. Ah ah ah ah ah.'
'Oh, who let you watch Sesame Street?'
'No-one.'
'Ha ha ha. Welsh and Transylvanian doesn't go.'
'Irwin?' Skai raised a hand. 'I found a wire, and I know we didn't put it here, but the dust around it is all mussed up so someone put it here not long ago.
Nevin sniffed at the wire. 'Smells like Joel.' He said.
Irwin produced a pair of wire cutters from the inside pocket of her trenchcoat and snipped the wire in two near the wall where it would be hard to see.
They all snickered, then disappeared into a previously invisible trapdoor.
- joeslash May 11, 2009 2:37 pm
Oscar and Jon were in the vast kitchen looking for snacks.
'Jon?' Oscar asked.
'Mff?' Jon replied through a mouthful of spoon he'd stuck in there.
'Why do you think no-one ever slashes us?'
Jon raised an eyebrow and removed the spoon from his mouth. 'No doubt, brother because we are both quite devout christians and therefore are not permitted storywise to fornicate. Also, tis hard to slash a character you do not know well, and due to, haha, Aunt Irwin's being the one who characterises people, and she finds it difficult to characterise a christian as anything but a mad fundamentalist or a saintly christlike person..'
'Which we got.'
'Aye, which we got, we ended up as practically sidekicks when around Gauss and Vinny who are more..mm...overwhelming personalities. Besides, it would be totally against either of our characters to do anything involving sex in a manner other than extreme embarassment in your case, or revulsion in mine.' Jon stuck the end of the spoon back in his mouth while he hunted through some cupboards.
'How about if we just did it now, here, on the kitchen table?' Oscar asked.
The spoon fell out of Jon's mouth. Suddenly, Irwin's head appeared out of the Aga.
'YAOI! YAAAY!!!!'
'Aha! I knew you were hiding.' Oscar picked her up by the collar of her jacket and dragged her out of the stove.
'Oh, arsebunnies.' Irwin sulked.
'What are you up to?' Oscar demanded.
Nevin popped out of the Aga, followed by Skai, yoinked Irwin off Oscar and all three disappeared out of the room.
Oscar shrugged, good naturedly, then turned back to Jon. 'So anyway....er...Jon? I didn't actually mean it, I was just trying to get...Jon...' Oscar waved a hand in front of the frozen paladin's face. 'Um...'
Tred:
"Tredert? Where are we?"
"I dunno, they covered my eyes."
"Oh."
"Yes."
"Eh?"
"What?"
"Why did you say 'oh, yes'?"
"I said just oh, you said 'yes, eh?'... didn't you?"
"No I.... uhm, why did we assume we were alone again?"
"Because we aren't seeing anyone now, are w- ah."
Pause.
"So, who's there?"
"Oscar is going to die."
"Ah."
"Just kidding, it's Moebius."
"I see."
"No you don't," the time traveller snapped. "Does he Tootoo?"
"I wouldn't think so."
"What do you want with us?"
"It's very simple. Write more of the story, the way we want you to."
"You fiend! What a clever ruse!"
"Yes, well, basically I've just kidnapped God. Two of them. Now you can alter my reality the way I see fit."
"We'll never acceptAAAAAARGH IT BURNS IT BURNS OH MY GOD THE PAIN I CAN'T DIE WITHOUT HAVING *passes out* "
After a while, Joe said: "that was kinda unnecessary."
"No, it was fun."
"No, you see, it's Vaecrius' turn. And NO-ONE can EVER get him to WORK."
Moebius blinked. "Oh yeah.... okay, here's the plan..."
U:Hey! Serious not allowed, chocolateboy.
T:*smarmy grin* Why not, pizzagirl?
U:*drools* mmm....Pizzathighs. Today I'm from Botswana.
'Dhell me again why we're going in dhe back door?' Whutty asked.
'One.' Vinny said, crouching near the ground. 'Cause we don't run into anyone who asks funny questions. Two because something fishy is going on. Nah, not Mickey.' He sniffed. 'Yup. Blood.' He picked up a scrap of bandage. 'Joe's. He oughtta be in the hospital, infirmary, whatever. I also smell Joel and/or Oscar. They smell almost exactly the same. Whichever it was, they were sweating a lot, like they were carrying someone, and I see more than two sets of footprints in the dirt but I only smell two sets of sweat, so they had help, and one of the help was probably dead, so Nevin or Klot. I'm going with it being Joel not Oscar, because Oscar don't need to be sneaking around no-where.'
'As far as you know. They were carrying Joe?' Gauss suggested.
'Bingo.'
'Well, aren't we the Sherlock Holmes.' Gauss said.
'More like Basil dhe Great Dog Detective.' Whutty snorted.
'Mouse.' Vinny corrected, standing up and pushing the back door. 'That's Irwin's favourite disney movie.' It was unlocked. 'Guess they forget to lock up after themselves, eh?' He glanced at the other two and grinned. 'Now let's get that goddamned tape back.'
Two shadowy figures moved down the halls of the spooky mansion. One tiptoed in a comical fashion, a large sack over its back, snickering loudly. The other seemed to glide along silently, supporting the sack, followed by a light rain of black rose petals.
"Could you laugh any louder?" Klot hissed back at Joel.
"This is great--all this sneaking around, kidnapping, causing general chaos--just doesn't get any better than this--I'm in Heaven!"
"And that's about as close as you'll get to it, I'd imagine," Klot said, rolling his eyes as the pair stepped behind a large tapestry and through the sliding wall.
The room was small, lit by only a few candles. Joe and Tredert sat against the wall, tied with their hands behind their backs. Tred was still passed out, Joe still had the bandage on his head. A small table sat in the middle of the room, a familiar tape sitting on it, and a tall-backed chair was turned toward the tiny window looking out onto the storm.
"Honey, we're home!" Joel said, hefting the sack, "And I've brought us our ticket to stardom!"
Moebius swiveled around in his chair until he was facing Klot and Joel. He was petting Tootoo, who was sitting in his lap, "Very good. Let him out."
"Bastards..." Joe whispered, "They got Vae..."
Klot opened the sack and upturned it. Joe heard the sound of something soft and plushy hitting the ground. He turned his head to listen.
"Ah, Vaecrius, so nice of you to join us."
Silence.
"I suppose you'd like to know why you're here."
Silence.
"Perhaps you'd like to know why your two friends have been captured?"
No response.
"Very well--I can see you are a man of little word, but you make up for it in great power--A POWER I COMMAND YOU TO USE FOR OUR BENEFIT!"
Moebius final words echoed in the room before fading out completely, again to silence.
"Quiet one, he is," Klot commented.
The realization had long since hit Joe: "That's not Vae--"
"SILENCE, FOOL!" Moebius snarled, "Your stupid tricks are no match for my vast intellect!"
"He's giving us the silent treatment," Joel said, "I say we bash the stuffing out of him!"
"Vae doesn't look very healthy... a bit crusty," Klot said.
"That's because he's gotten to much sun--look how red he is," Joel said, "He's probably sick... heh!"
"I dunno... this smells kinda fishy to me..."
Joe collapsed on his side, howling with laughter.
"What the hell's his problem?"
Suddenly Tredert stood up, and raised his unbound hands triumphantly.
"What? How did you do that?"
"Old Jedi ninja pirate trick." Joel and Klot moved closer. "I wouldn't do that," he warned them, with no results.
He jumped, grabbed a curtain, swinging around the two villains. In mid air he grabbed Vaecrius with his left hand, while throwing shuriken at Joel, with the curtain wrapped around his waist. As he reached the end of his trajectory, it unwrapped, causing him to spin. With leg he parried the wall, while a beam of light came out from his right thumb with a "thwossh" George Lucasy sound. He cut off Klot's arm and rolled out of the room.
Moebius blinked.
"What just happened?"
Joel pulled the shuriken from his chest. "I wish I knew..."
"There Vae, you're free! You can go write your chapter now!"
The plush lobster stared back.
"Oh, look, I didn't grab your butt on purpose, okay?"
The plush lobster continued to look reproachful.
"Bah... see ya later then... psycho..."
Tredert sneaked into the kitchen. Suddenly he heard people approaching. He hid in the cupboard.
"Pretty please, Urwen?"
"Aw, Nike. Stop insisting..."
Eh?
"Look, the cheese is getting cold... lick me, lick me!"
"Hah, crazy yuri pizza ninja..."
A great crashing sound comes from the cupboard, such as one's head exploding from a nosebleed too strong...
"What was that?" Urwen opened the cupboard and giggled at the sight of the headless corpse.
"Are you sure you don't want to? I'm putting tomatoes..."
Irwin grinned. 'Head go splody!' She looked at Nike in a very skimpy outfit, legs dripping pizza sauce. 'LOBSTERVAE!!' Irwin noted that Tredert had left Vae outside the kitchen door, dived on the plush lobster and hugged it
'Pleeeeze.' Nike said, smilingly sweetly and smelling of tomato and herbs.
Irwin shook her head. 'Nuhuh. Go have a shower.'
'I'm gunna sulk.' Nike complained.
'G'way.' Irwin said, crawling into the cupboard past the splodyness, clutching the plush lobster.
There was a moan from Tredert's direction as she knelt on his foot.
'Target 2 incapacitated for the meantime, Target 1 secure. Target 4 sighted with Target 3, west passage.' Joel said, tapping at a panel.
'Jolly good.' Moebius said, stroking Tootoo. 'Fire up the pheromone generator.'
Klot, across the room, pushed some buttons. A rank smell filled the air.
'Ewwwww.' Tootoo wrinkled his plush nose.
Irwin sniffed, halfway down a dark passage.
'My yaoi sense is tingling, LobsterVae.'
The plush lobster looked downcast and resigned.
'Oh, don't be like that. Have another hug.'
Squishy lobster.
Irwin crawled off at top speed. A few metres on, two somethings pounced on her.
'Eeeeeeee!!!'
'S'ok! It's us! Can I hug the lobster?' Skai asked, allowing Irwin to get up.
'Okee.' Irwin handed Vae to Skai, who also hugged. 'You look after him while I find the yaoi.' She tried to crawl off, but was prevented as a hand on her coat acted as a leash. She turned around.
Nevin shook his head. 'Naah, bach.'
'Wha?'
'Wisps say someone's trying to catch you like a little bird. Stick with us, hey?'
'Oh, but the yaoi...' Irwin whined like a kicked puppy.
Skai giggled.
'Target 4 being erratic as usual, gone another way.' Joel said.
'Oh, pooh.' Moebius cursed.
Joe cheered.
Meanwhile, everyone else was still sitting in the hall.
'How long till midnight?' Jon asked. 'Half an hour or so.' Miriam replied.
'Straight flush.' Oscar said, putting his cards down.
'Are you cheating?' Wyn asked.
'No, you're just losing.' Oscar replied, grinning. 'Your majesty.'
'Pfft.'
Vinny peered around the door at them, then slipped back into the corridor.
'Who's in there?' Gauss whispered.
'Why should we care?' Whutty asked.
'Shhh.'
'Shh.'
'Oghay.' Whutty whispered. 'I'll just shut dhe 'ell up dhen.'
'Who's in there?' Gauss repeated.
'I can see....Mir, Jon, Osc, Wyn, Nicky, Whutty's girfriend.'
'We're missing Nike, Skai and all the authors then.' Gauss noted.
'Let's look for Joe.' Vinny suggested. 'It'll probably lead us to whoever set this up.'
'Good idea.' Gauss nodded.
They snuck off. Whutty glanced around the door to gaze dazedly at Chromelips. Vinny turned around and dragged him off by the back of his collar.
Oscar yawned, "I can't do this anymore... it's so boring."
"Yeah, I don't care much for losing over and over again," Windsong said, slapping her cards down.
"We've just got another twenty or so minutes until midnight," Miriam said.
"I know," Oscar nodded, "But I'm getting antsy--I'm gonna head up the staircase in the grand foyer, see what I can find--anybody wanna come with?"
"I'll go," Chromelips said.
"Me too," Wyn jumped up.
"Alright, let's walk."
"Oscar..." Jon said, warily.
"Don't worry, we'll be fine, there's nothing in this old place--just a bunch of trap doors and Irwin on a yaoi kick--we'll be back in twenty."
The trio left the room and walked back into the main foyer, heading up the staircase.
"Didn't realize how spooky this place is," Wyn said, getting closer to Oscar.
"This is kickass," Chromelips said, looking around at the cobwebbed banisters and the giant chandelier that hung in the foyer, "Darn shame its so dilapidated."
"Maybe we could buy the place--spruce things up?" Oscar said, reaching the second floor, "Let's head this way."
The three walked down one of the long hallways, lined with doors and paintings. The flickering candlelight made shadows dance on the walls.
"Shh!" Wyn said, grabbing Oscar by the arm, "That painting is looking at us."
Chromelips smiled. Oscar walked over and stared the painting in the eyes--it was an old, lanky-looking fellow, with a broken noose tied around his neck. He was leering and grinning, as if he had cheated death.
"Nothing," he said, turning around, "Although it is really creepy looking. I don't think you have to worry, it's likely just the candle casting shadows."
"Want us to take you back downstairs?" Chromelips said, trying not to laugh.
"No," Wyn said in a sharp tone, "I'm prefectly fine! Let's keep going!"
Oscar and Chromelips exchanged smiles and followed Wyn, unaware that the painting's eyes really WERE following they're every move!
On the other side of the wall, Joel was looking through the eyeholes.
"Lemme look," Klot said, tapping Joel on the shoulder.
"This gag doesn't work if you don't have eyeballs, doofus!"
"Oh... of course," the eyeless one grinned. Joel turned away, closing up the peepholes, and clenched his fists, "Oooooo, I wanna kill him so bad--"
"Not now--yet, at least, we've got other plans to attend to."
"Maybe hurt him? Can I hurt him?"
"NO! Now is not the time!"
"Fine, then I'll just go out and scare him--do something spooky."
"ABSOLUTELY... wait... wait, that's a good idea... that's a GREAT idea!"
"YESSS!" Joel let out a low, demonic laugh.
"Whoa, you're good!"
"Eh, comes with being t3h evil."
Irwin was whining, "I wanna go see!"
Nevin shook his head, "Nessen. Danger. What? j3s, I know very well, thank you."
"What'd they say?" Skai asked, trying to see the invisibile whisps around Nevin's shoulders.
"Hold on... listen... I smell something," Nevin sniffed the air, "You hear that?"
Skai giggled.
"What, what, the yaoi?" Irwin said, twitching.
"No..." Nevin said, enhaling deeply and smiling, "Blood. Not fresh, mind you, but still blood... my, am I hungry... c'mon..."
Gauss, Vinny and Whutty entered the kitchen.
"You!" brother and sister said simultaneously.
Vinny looked at Nike's thighs and instinctively licked his lips.
"Hey there, Wild Thing... eh... ... Gauss, why do you smell jealous?"
"Er. Just protective of my sister, that's all."
"And you've got Vinny's smell all over you," added Nike, standing up and walking to him grinning widely.
"We had a fight." said Vinny.
"That explains the bruises," the ninja girl said dripping irony and ketchup, "though it's quite unusual that most of them are in his back..."
"Ok, that's enough," said Gauss. "This is none of your business. Have you girls found the tape?"
"No, but I can easily guess its contents. Don't worry, though, I'll help you find it and keep it secret... but only if..."
"If what?" asked Gauss impatiently. He then noticed her sister staring at a place below the buckle of Vinny's belt.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," said Whutty. "You people have unsolved issues, you know."
"Stop whining, I have three ori-"
"SISTER... we talk about that later, ok?"
Miriam, Jon, Krystal and Assumpta were alone in the dining hall. It was cold and moist and they had gone silent once they realized they were pretty much the chastest of the BoF bunch. Obviously, when the subject was delicately brought up, it degenerated into somewhat envious speculation about the private lives of their friends.
This was interrupted as a trapdoor over the table collapsed open and a small figure fell on the table.
"Look, it's Klot's daughter."
"Oh no... I've fallen right among the saintly bores... just my luck."
"What do we do with her?" asked Jon.
"Maybe we should... rehabilitate her?" answered Miriam, with a slightly schadenfreude grin.
Kara's snicker transformed into open-mouthed terror as Jon and Assumpta grabbed her arms and Miriam pulled a set of Happy Playing Bunnies of Happy Goodness pictures for some brainwashing... Krystal laughed an utterly, terrifyingly, painfully pure laugh... ***
Nicolette and the Green Haired Witch explored the upper floor of the mansion. "I really want to know why Gauss wants that tape so badly... oh, if I find he has been looking at another woman..." she clenched her claws.
"What about his sister?" GHW pointed out.
Nicolette blushed. "Well, she's family..."
GHW shook her head. Civilized people...
They found a door. There was light in the other side.
"Locked," said the witch.
"Step back." Nicolette breathed in deeply, and then released. The door was completely frozen.
"Frosty girl..." the witch touched the door with a green nail and it shattered.
The two stared at the contents of the room.
"Wow."
JOE: *still tied up; still bloody blindfolded* And now, incapacitated, completely devoid of sight, and with ten minutes to spare, I shall bring the events to an epic climax!
MOEBIUS: What ARE you talking about?!
JOE: Urm... nothing... me no know how to write-x0r...
Whutty, Gauss, and the ever ineffable Nike were heading down a corridor, led by Vincit's scent. He had lost Joe's blood trail twice now, and was starting to worry. His eyes were red.
"I can't keep track... can't keep track... there's something else..."
"Pheromones," Gauss said, "Will you two stop it--it's driving me crazy."
"It isn't me," Nike said, indignantly, "I'm not even in the mood anymore... well, okay, maybe a little, but this is WAY too strong."
"Dhis is stupid... I feel like dhe fourth wheel..."
Gauss looked at Whutty. The realization clicked.
"Alright, forghet aboud itd."
"We've should've left him with Chromelips," Gauss said.
"I've picked up the scent again," Vinny said, "... hope he's alright..."
"Let's hope whomever has him isn't making him watch the tape," Nike commented, grinning.
"He'd be dead by now, lucky bastard," said Whutty.
"It's stronger--quick: this way," Vincit said, turning a corner...
... and running right into Nevin.
There was a moment of silence, then Nevin smiled, "Hi there--"
"Shut up, don't say a WORD!" Vinny snarled.
"Hey you!" Irwin said, poking her head around Nevin, "Where's my tape?"
Vinny grimaced. Gauss flinched. Whutty looked confused. Nike looked amused.
"We don't have it."
"Honest."
"We had it last," Nike said, "Somebody stole it, left the note to come here."
"Right," Irwin said. Skai walked around her to look at the others. She was carrying VaeLobster.
"Hey, it's Vae," Vinny pointed in a pathetic attempt to change the subject, "Maybe he knows what's going on."
The lobster gave him a look of unassuming innocence.
"Guess not."
"This smell is driving me crazy," Irwin mumbled, twitching.
"What are you guys doing anyways?" Whutty asked.
"Tracking... dinner," Nevin said, then nodded to his shoulder, "Uh-huh... that's what I MEANT to say: lost friend."
"Joe?"
"Me?" asked Nevin, mishearing the question, "No, Joe--AYE! Yes, that's the bloke's name, Joe! Poor Joe... bloody Joe..."
"Hey," Vinny glared at Nevin, "Don't get any ideas."
"Sorry! ^_^; His blood is sweet... typish O, methinks."
"Whatever," Gauss waved his hand, "You two, track him down. If we find him, we solve all our problems."
"Right," Vinny nodded, "Let's go."
Oscar, Windsong, and Chromelips were standing in a small gallery in the shape of a octagon. Menacing gargoyle statues crouched in each corner, each holding a pair of candles, and paintings hung on the four walls, looking down on the viewers.
"Incredible," Oscar said, "Simply amazing."
"Hey," Chromelips said, "Where'd the door go?"
The three looked around to see that the way they came in no longer existed. Suddenly, a voice filled the room, "Welcome to your doom!"
The three backed to the center of the room, back-to-back-to-back, looking around. Oscar's sword appeared in his hand. Flames and sparks cracked tentatively at Wyn's fingertips. Chromelips pulled a short knife from her hip pocket.
"Who's there?! Show yourself!"
"I am your host--your 'ghost' host. MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"
Chromelips gulped.
"Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding," the voice continued, "almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis." The three looked in horror as the walls seemed to suddenly grow taller, exposing more of the pictures on the walls, and gruesome images below them.
"Is this haunted room ACTUALLY stretching?! Or is it your imagination?"
Windsong was mumbling silently to herself, "It's only my imagination, it's only my imagination, it's only my imagination--"
"AND CONSIDER THIS dismaying observation: this chamber has no windows and no doors.... heh, heh, heh, heh, hehhhh..."
"Crap," Oscar muttered.
"Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find A WAY OUT! MWAHAHAHA-REALLY-EVIL-LAUGHTER!!!1!"
The room had now stretched to its tallest, the portraits on the walls depicting horrible deaths of the individuals in the paintings. Windsong was shaking, Chromelips was silent, Oscar was sweating.
"Of course," the voice said, "There's always MY way..."
The room went dark and the ceiling vanished, exposing the attic area above. Outside, lightning flashed, thunder clapped, showing the rotting corpse hanging above their heads. Windsong screamed and launched a fireball at the ceiling. Oscar rolled away along the ground, coming up in a defensive crouch. Chromelips hit the ground. The lights went out completely and the room was filled with shrieks, the sound of someone falling, and a thump.
When the lights came back on, Windsong was sitting crouched in a corner, panting. She looked around:
Chromelips was on the other side of the room in a defensive position, blade still drawn.
Nicolette and the Green-Haired Witch sat next to each other on the ground.
"How'd you two get here?" Chromelips asked.
Nicolette shook her head, "Um... I think... we fell... what happened to the floor?"
Everyone looked at the roof. It was completely back to normal. In fact, the room was now as it had been before, complete with doorway.
"Weird," the GHW said.
"Where's Oscar?" Wyn asked.
"Blargh," the angel mumbled. Nicolette and the GHW immediately jumped up from where they were sitting. Oscar was splayed out face down on the floor.
"Oh, poor Osc," Chromelips said.
"Kind of you to break our fall," Nicolette added, with a slight smile.
"I think there's more broken than just your fall," Oscar said, bending his arms to push himself up off the ground. There was a resounding snap that filled the room.
"ARRRGH! MY SPINE!"
"Are you alright, Josephus?" the GHW asked.
"Yeah... it was just popping back into place," Oscar staggered up, Wyn rushing over to help, "Let's get out of here and get back downstairs... it'll be dark noon soon..."
"Bed sheets?" Klot asked dubiously.
"This is going to be a fucking laugh riot!" Joel laughed, pulling the white sheet over his head and adjusting it so he could see through the eye holes.
"Bed sheets?" Klot repeated.
Joel flipped off Klot (not easy to do, seeing as he was covered in a bed sheet), "Shut up and let's go."
"We cannot. It is time. We need to get back to Moebius, or he'll get mad."
"What? Screw Moebius, I don't answer to him--I'm my OWN man."
"Fine, you go play your childish game, I'm heading back to the room," Klot grumbled, leaving, "And by the by, you look like a retard."
Klot left before Joel could respond. The demon shook his arms wildly under the bed sheet and said a bunch of nasty, painful-to-hear curses before stalking off on his own.
Kara lay on the table, temporarily a gibbering mass. Having ineffectively cured her (in truth scarring her psych rather badly), the group at the fireplace returned to the warmth of the fire feeling more cheerful than before, Krystal and Assumpta talking animatedly. Miriam rested her head against Jon's shoulder.
"Love you," she said, out of the blue.
Jon blinked, then replied, "Well... I love you, too."
Miriam smiled, she snuggled closer to him, "That's good to know."
Jon blushed, but put his arm around her anyways. He smiled slightly, and the corners of his smile twitched.
Miriam blinked, "My word, such thoughts from a holy paladin."
Jon hung his head in shame, "Forgive me, Lord." Miriam laughed and held him tightly.
The grandfather clock on the far side of the room moved a minute closer to midnight...
JOE: That's all I can do for now... it's bedtime.
MOEBIUS: YOU, sir, are insane. Stop mumbling to yourself, lest I shall have to have Tootoo give you such a pinch.
KLOT: It's time, sir.
MOEBIUS: Excellent! Let the mayhem begin!
Irwin: Joe, cariad. If you want to write a welshman, say the words in your head in the accent and end statements with 'see'. Not that you didn't do a good job with the bloody and all.
And the clock struck midnight.
BONGGGGGGGG BONGGGGG BONGGGGGG
Kara rolled off the table into a gibbering heap. Miriam looked up. Jon started. Assumpta sat up. Krystal vanished, for no apparent reason.
Miriam stood up and pointed to the top of the stairs where a pale shape was wavering. 'Look, an idiot in a sheet.'
'Woooooooooo.' Joel began. Then he stopped, pulled the sheet off and flipped Miriam the bird. Miriam smiled, infuriatingly.
At that point, Oscar, Wyn, Chromelips, Nicolette and the GHW came running down the opposite stairs into the room.
'Joel.' Oscar said, stopping and glaring.
'Oscar.' Joel replied, sneering.
'Two Josephuses.' The GHW blinked.
Someone tapped Joel on the shoulder. He turned around, angrily and found himself facing a seethrough floating form.
'Boo.' Krystal said.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHA GHOST!!!'
Krystal chuckled.
BONGGGG BONGGGG BONGGGG
'Midnight.' Vinny said, standing up and sniffing.
'Ten out of ten for obs..' Gauss began, but was interrupted by Nevin wildly gibbering.
'What? What? Don't all talk at once! Great Hall??'
'Kay.' Irwin laughed, and pulled a candlestick on the wall behind them. A trapdoor opened in the floor. She, Nevin and Skai vanished. So did Whutty, who was standing with one foot on it.
Vinny blinked.
He looked at Gauss.
It dawned on them they were now both alone together.
They tried not to look at each other.
'Should we go to the great hall?' Vinny asked.
'No,' Gauss replied, looking in the opposite direction. 'I don't want to be anywhere people are expecting me to be.'
Vinny nodded.
'I wonder how she knows where all the secret passages are.' Gauss pondered.
'Well, she is the author.' Vinny shrugged.
BONGGGG BONGGGG BONGGGG
Moebius cackled. 'It's TIIIME, TOOTOO.'
Tootoo covered his ears.
'Initialise the plan, Klot.'
BONGGGG
'He's not here.' Said Tootoo.
'Oh. Initialise the plan, Joel.'
BONGGGGGG
'He's not here either.' Tootoo pointed out.
'Damn.' Moebius stroked his beard. The he brightened up.
'Initialise the plan, Karl!'
Tootoo covered his eyes with a plush paw and sighed.
BONGGGGGG
As the last chime struck, there was a rumbling from within the house.
Several things happened in close succession.
Shutters slammed down over all the outside doors and windows a la House on Haunted Hill.
Klot streaked out from the fireplace (covered in soot) and headed for Miriam. At the same time, Nevin, Irwin and Skai streaked out from the wall, followed by Nike and dragging Whutty (goodness knows where Nike came from) and got to her first, swiping her by the arms and disappearing with her into the opposite wall. Then there was nothing left but some swirling dust and a forlorn plush lobster.
Klot stood around bewildered and then yoinked Kara instead, before disappearing back into the fireplace.
Moebius' voice echoed around the great hall.
'Attention scum. You're probably wondering why I called you all here.'
'Not really.' Oscar said. 'But I bet you're going to tell us anyway.
'REVENGEEEEEEEEEIES.'
Jon looked around. 'Where is Miriam?'
'Irwin and Nevin yoinked her.' Wyn replied.
Jon raised an eyebrow.
'None of you will ever escape. You will all suffer my wrath.I have now kidnapped the only member of your party who could have helped you...'
'Actually.' Wyn interrupted. 'You haven't. It was Irwin and Nevin and Skai.'
'...What? Damnit, Klot, you IDIOT.'
'What are you doing?' Miriam asked.
'Swiping you before K and J do.' Irwin said. 'So you can melt the shutters for us.'
'Oh.'
'Dhat hurt. I mean, dhat really hurt.' Whutty rubbed his arm where he'd been dragged along.
'Oh, stop whining.' Nike said. 'This is fun.'
'S'right, cariad.' Nevin grinned, happily.
'Um...Irwin.' Skai began. 'I lost Vae.'
'He'll be ok.' Irwin smiled. 'He's a lobsstar!'
'Nevertheless, she isn't here.' Moebius rallied. 'Now, I demand that you hand over the authors....'
'And Oscar.' Joel's voice came over the speaker.
'And the beast-king.' Klot's joined in.
'You shut up.' Moebius snapped. 'Or else you will rot in here forever. If you comply, we will return the tape and be merciful.'
'Get lost.' Oscar said. 'Vinny isn't here and we don't have all the authors. In fact, we don't have any of the authors. Irwin just disappeared with Miriam, Tredert and Joel are missing, and Vaecrius...'
There was a cough from floor level. Everyone turned around to look at the plush lobster.
The lobster vanished in a puff of green smoke and in it's place stood Vaecrius.
'I'll come quietly if you lift the shutters.' he said.
There was evil laughter.
Moebius flicked the microphone off. 'Mahaha..I love fruition.'
'What are we going to do when they find out we don't have the tape?' Klot asked, poking at his arm and wondering if it was healed enough to untie.
Moebius shrugged. 'We don't tell them that.'
'What's going on?' Kara asked.
'Fun.' Joel replied. 'Evil fun.'
'We need to do something about Irwin and your daughter's boyfriend.' Moebius said, waving Tootoo at Klot. 'They keep messing things up.'
'What am I, a pointy stick?' Tootoo complained.
Klot looked at Kara oddly.
'He is NOT my boyfriend!' Kara yelled. 'He smells!''
'Oh come on, I've seen the way you look...er...face him.' Moebius scoffed.
'Shut up.' Kara said and stalked off.
So...who really does have the tape?
Ooooooeeeeeooooo.
"AAAAAAAAAARGH" said Nevin, fainting, as it dawned on him he had touched Miriam.
"Talk about aversion."
"You know," said Whutty, briefly cheered up by someone else's misery, "it may not be wise to have Miriam and Urwen togedher. Moebius seems to be able to track dhe audhors..."
"Good point," said Nike. "I'll take Miriam and hide her. And keep her company."
Urwen glared at her. Nike smiled innocently. "What?"
"Uncle Treddy... You have a head now?" asked Skai.
"Yeah, I got better."
"Good," said Urwen. "Give Nevin some blood, he's got burns all over his arms."
"Why me?"
"Sexual connotations of blood drinking. I'm practically family, Skai's Skai and Whutty wouldn't cheat on his hot goth rocker girlfriend. You're left."
"... I'm so insulted." Anyway he knelt and let Nevin bite his arm. "I wish I could get some neat vampiric powers from this, at least...." after a while he pulled away his arm.
"Hmm... pepper," said Nevin. "Thankee."
"Bah."
"So... what do we do now?" asked Whutty.
"I don't know about you," said Tredert. "I'm off to the library. When all attempts at t3h kink fail, turn to erudition..."
"Books... no fun!" said Skai. "I wanna watch tv!"
"I'll come widh you," said Whutty. "Children get on my nerves..."
Urwen giggled. Tredert glared at her. "It was just a dream! Just a bloody dream!... let's go then."
They entered the library, and turned on the lights. If they hadn't been chatting about the hateful nature of hate, they'd have been warned by the muffled sounds, but as it is...
"GodDAMN!"
"Fuck, now I'll REALLY need dherapy."
Tredert sighed. "Why is he gagged, Vinny?"
"It was the only way to shut him up," Vinny replied defensively, wiping the blood from his mouth.
"Ugh. Is dhat flesh in your teedh?"
"...he tastes good ya know... it's not as if he can't regenerate..."
"Ok, we don't wanna hear the rest. Just get dressed. Get fucking DRESSED right NOW!"
"Um," said Gauss after he removed the gag, weakly tottering away from the bookshelf he had been squeezed against. "I think Vinny destroyed my pants completely..."
"I don't usually do this kind of stuff," said Tredert, "but right now I'm using my author powers to magically create a new pair for you. Geez, man, do you want me to make some gas masks as well?"
"No, I think my nose bled so much I won't be able to sense Vinny's pheromones for a few days."
"Good. Now come with us, there's a secret passage in this library..."
Whutty groaned. "Hah, I knew it, you and conspiracies, almost as bad as dhese two..."
Krystal chased Joel throughout the mansion. It was fun, he got so terribly scared... some bizarre unexplainable phobia...
She got bored after he collapsed in a shaking heap of fear for the third time, and drifted away.
She entered a wall...
...and something freaky happened. She exited the wall and bumped into Nevin... literally into.
"No-one? Are you ok?" asked Urwen.
"Eh? No-one?"
"Uncle Nevin?" asked Skai, from behind her plush cthulhu doll.
"I'm not..." Krystal looked at her hands. "Ugh."
"Cariad... my body, please," said Nevin, grinning. "Kinda fun to look at it from the outside, but still..."
"Uhm, er, I don't know how to. I didn't even know I could possess people."
"Who're ya talking to? That's not even your shoulder."
Krysvin leaned to Urwen and whispered something in her ear.
"OH. Oh. Uhm, who can help us fix that?..." then she grinned. I hope we run into Gauss, she thought.
Far, far away in Zardark, Max was entering the room where, as had become their custom, Jake and Wilhelm were getting completely drunk.
"Your majesty, I bring a copy of the tape. Unfortunately the original went missing, so this may be the last copy."
"Continue searching, Max. That kind of scandal can threat cosmopolitical equilibria."
"Yes, sir."
Wilhelm looked at Jake.
"Uhm, let's just see if the content of this tape is so, uhm, dangerous." The Zardarkian nodded.
After a short while, both fathers were sweating embarrassedly. Eventually Wilhelm said, "Shameful, is it not?"
"Yeah... makes one wonder what one did wrong..."
"Indeed."
Pause.
"Well, at least my son has good taste. Given the, uh, circumstances."
Wilhelm looked at the other man. "Of course, the furryness certainly has some appeal of its own as well..."
They looked at each other...
Max slipped out of the room silently, but not before turning on hidden cameras. Ewige Blumenkraft.
Joel ran into the attic room and slammed the door shut behind him, then leaned against it and sighed. The room was sparse, save for a few odd pieces of furniture, a tarp covering a giant something, and Joe, still tied with his hands behind his back, still blindfolded with the bandage. He looked vaguely in the direction of the commotion.
"Is it somebody come to rescue me?"
"Not likely," Joel said, his sureness returning to him.
"Oh... it's just Joel... darnit..."
Joel sneered, "Alright, that's the last straw. I'm going to fix this once and for all." He tromped across the floor to Joe and yanked the bandage off his head.
"OW, THAT'S BRIGHT!"
"It's dark as sin up here, what're you talkin' about?!"
"Excuse ME," Joe said, blinking, "I've only had my eyeballs fall out of my head, that's all..."
"Whatever. Look, you know what this is?" Joel said, pulling the tarp down off of whatever it hid...
Vinny, Gauss, Whutty, and Tredert--in a dark hidden passage. Soemthing like that just begs for attention.
"Um, where is itd we are going, Tred?" Whutty said.
Tredert grumbled, not answering.
"You DO know where we're going, don't you?" Vinny asked.
"I dhink he's lost," Whutty said.
Tredert grumbled louder.
Gauss grinned, "Yep: he's lost."
"Alright, alright!" Tred whirled around, "So I'm lost, so sue me--not that you'd WIN against me, but the point is, YOU ALL are just as lost as I am now!"
Vincit sniffed, "There's fresh air this way, c'mon."
Tredert frowned, "Bastard... you two better not be holding hands!"
Whutty chuckled, "Do I need to hold yur hand?"
"HELL NO!"
"It's... a plot device," answer Joe.
Joel scoffed, "Sure, whatever."
"No, really, look at it."
The tarp had covered a giant, meanacing looking machine with a lot of pipes, gears, and other metallic what-nots. It looked important, powerful, and skeery.
"I made that myself, truth be told," Joe said, "It was the killing machine Moebius was supposed to use at midnight to crash the grand room and threaten everybody... but it never got used."
"Well, well, well, the scarecrow has a brain."
Joe rolled his eyes--good thing they were back in their sockets.
"Except, I've made a few small 'adjustments' to your creation, Mr. Joe."
Joel was right. The pilot's chair now had a dome over the high back, and a second dome was connected to a long coil, which in turn connected it to the machine.
"What did you do?" Joe asked, starting to feel worried.
"Oh," Joel smiled, "I'm glad you asked, this is gonna be great..."
Krystal (in Nevin's body), Nevin (as a ghost), Skai, and Irwin: still on their mindless rampage through the mansion.
"We ARE looking for somebody to help, right?" Krystal asked.
Irwin nodded, "Course, of course, absolutely. Someone to help you, aye."
"What?" Krystal said.
"I said we're going to help you."
"No, these... voices... can't get rid of them--they keep whispering to me--go A-WAY!"
"I'm hungry," Skai said.
Irwin sighed and smiled, "Okay, we'll head back to the kitchen real quick. I know another shortcut." Irwin studied the wall, then slapped a portion of it with the flat of her hand. The wall swivled taking them around to the otherside...
... and bringing Vincit, Gauss, Whutty, and Tredert back into the hall.
"THAT," Gauss said, "Was TOO weird! How'd you do that, Vinny?"
Vincit blinked, "I didn't."
"C'mon," Tred said, "This way."
"You see," Joel started, pacing back and forth, "Once again, I'm minding my own business, trudging along in my life, wanting to kill Oscar but never really DOING anything about it, and then THIS opportunity presents itself! It's so genius I'm surprised I never thought of it before!"
Joe sighed.
"Right, we know that Oscar and I have a past, but we also know pretty damn well that we are both inner reflections of..." Joel pointed with open hands, as if presenting Joe to an invisible audience, "you! It's also pretty well known that you aspire to be more like Oscar and less like me."
Joe sighed again, looking bored.
"So I had this great idea: what would happen if I tainted the source?"
Joe raised an eyebrow in question.
Joel smiled, "Yeah, now I've got your attention..."
The beautiful master bedroom, despite being in the middle of a 'haunted' manse, was now quite warm and inviting. Candles were lit around the room, a fire fought back the gloom, and made cold air warm. In the four post bed, with it's lavish canopy, lounged Nike. Miriam sat in a chair by the fire.
"Wonder why I brought you here?" Nike asked, a smile on her lips.
"I can easily deduce, and I'm sorry to disappoint," Miriam said.
"Aww, c'mon... I'm being a good girl," Nike said, the look on her face completely giving away her intentions, she turned on her side and fingered the bed sheet.
Miriam smiled back, "You never are sated, are you?"
Nike laughed, "Please, of course not--I wouldn't be much of a kinky sexpot, then, would I?"
"I suppose not."
"C'mon, that monk of yours can't possibly be giving you the attention you need."
"You'd like to know MY stories, wouldn't you?" Miriam smirked.
Nike's mouth opened in surprise, "Oh, really?! No, you kid! Really?"
"I'm saying nothing."
Nike mock frowned, "First you turn me down, then you tease me. So naughty," she smiled, "I like it."
Miriam sighed.
Joel sat in the pilot's chair and pulled the dome down over his head. Tied to a chair on the floor was Joe, the second helmet on his head. Joel was whistling a tune as he flipped switches.
"You can't do this!" Joe said, "I'm an author--this is a breech of reality! You'll shred the fabric of space/time!"
"SHRED AWAY, CAPTAIN!" Joel said, pressing a button. The machine whirred to life and both Joel and Joe sat straight in their chairs, gritting their teeth.
"Ohhhh, yeah!" Joel said, "THAT'S the PAIN!"
Moebius looked up at the flickering lightbulb.
"Mmm... something's amiss... a lot of juice is being used. Tootoo: I want you to find out what's up!"
TooToo stared back at Moebius, "Darn it, Moe, I'm a reindeer, not a detective."
"Bah, what good are you," Moebius said, holding the plush reindeer at arms length. He looked around, making sure noone was looking, then hugged it and smiled.
"Oh, GOD! Stop it! Please!"
Joel was laughing madly as the machine whirred away. Joe twitched in the chair, his face a mixture of horror and confusion. Suddenly, he grinned, then screamed. There was a crack, and two small, bloody horns pushed free of his forehead, followed by a pointy demon tail out his backside.
"Yes!" Joel said, "YESSSS! IT'S ALIVE! ALIVEEEEEE!"
Outside, lightning flashed and lit up the room. Joel's face was a horrible, leering grin.
"Alright, let's get this over with," Vaecirus said.
Assumpta, Jon, Nicolette, Chromelips, the GHW, Oscar, Windsong and Vae started for the grand staircase in the main foyer, but didn't get far.
"ARRRGH!"
"S'matter?" Vae said, turning around.
"Oscar?"
"What's wrong?"
Oscar leaned forward and hit the ground, knees first, doubled-over. He was clutching his sides, gritting his teeth.
"Osc?" Windsong stepped over to him. His wings ripped through his trenchcoat and exploded open, knocking Wyn over.
"Holy crap!" exclaimed Vae.
"JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!" Oscar yelled. His wings twitched, his sword appeared before him, then vanished, only to appear again. A halo shone over his head, only to flash out of existence. His eyes glazed over, and all the battle wounds he had ever earned in his existance flashed over his body.
"My Lord!" Assumpta cried.
"My word!" Jon said.
"MY GOD!" screamed Oscar, tears in his eyes, "PROTECT MEEEE! I FEEL..."
Suddenly, everything seemed to stop.
"... numb."
And then he vanished.
Every one gasped.
"What happened?!" Assumpta looked at Vaecirus. He looked at Windsong, then Jon, and all three nodded: "Joel."
Joel was chuckling as he pulled the dome off of his head. He was very sluggish, the machine having sucked a lot of energy from him. He chuckled as he unstrapped him self. He chuckled nearly falling out of the seat. He chuckled when he took the helmet off Joe and looked at him.
"It worked," he grinned, "It really worked."
They were twins.
Evil twins.
REALLY evil twins.
"Joel," Joe grinned.
"Joe," Joel grinned, "Let's get to work--I've got some excellent ideas on how to utterly DESTROY everybody... maybe even Moebius, if we work quick--"
"FUCK that!" Joe said, grinning.
"What?" Joel said, surprised. He had to remind himself that this wasn't the same Joe as before, "You got a better plan?"
"Heeeell, yeah! How 'bout YOU try an kill everybody, and I'll go do my own thing."
"What?"
"I really don't give a rat's ass what you do--I don't CARE anymore about anything... I do what I feel like--I'm my own person," Joe said, ripping his bonds apart with his new demonic strength.
"Wait, wait, you can't do that. I MADE YOU! I'm in charge!"
Joe stopped and turned around, "Funny thing you should mention that--see: I made YOU... the irony is just TOO rich, is it not?"
Joel stared, open mouthed, then waved his arms and cursed a whole lot.
"Brat," Evil Joe said, leaving the room in a very lackadasical manner.
And what happened next, I DON'T REALLY CARE! SHUT THE HELL UP! BLARGH! BLARGH YOU GOOD! NYAH! I WRITE DIRTY WORDS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAFCUKINHA! Bastard...
Irwin: Luiz...I have an awful suspicion we have actually done some serious damage to Joe's mind. That was spooky.
'I feel a great disturbance in the force.' The GHW said. 'Like something really fucking weird just happened.'
'Yes, that was Oscar vanishing.' Wyn said, standing up. 'Oscar??' She waved a hand in the empty space. 'Where's he gone?'
'Brother Oscar?' Jon called.
Assumpta seemed to have started praying.
'Hey, where's the author gone?' Chromelips asked, looking around.
Miriam sat up, suddenly. Nike blinked. 'What?'
'Oscar..he just disappeared from my mind.' Miriam stood up. 'I have to go.'
'I'm coming too.' Nike slid bonelessly off the bed.
'This is weird.' Krystal-Nevin said, nibbling on a black pudding far too daintily for the body she was in. 'I never thought if I got to eat again it would be something like this.'
Irwin stopped in the middle of the cheese and jam sandwich she had made and growled.
'What is it?' Skai asked, her fingers smeared with meat-juice from a barely cooked steak.
'They're messing with causality. That's just....naughty.' Irwin complained. She stood up. Her entire posture changed and her eyes sparkled emerald green. 'Enough messing about. Those villains have gone too far. Now they face my wrath. And I'm not just the author. I'm the creatrix!'
'Oooh.' Skai said. 'What's that then?'
Irwin facefaulted. 'Anyway. First, an exorcism.' She held up a finger.
'Oh dear.' Said Krysvin.
'Bout time too.' Nevin's disembodied voice came out of no-where.
'We need a full complement of three for an exorcism though.'
'Excuse me.' Irwin tapped the GHW on the shoulder. 'Can we borrow you for a bit? We need a crone and you're probably old enough.'
The GHW raised an eyebrow. 'It's not polite to ask a lady's age.'
'I didn't.' Irwin replied.
'I'm Urd then.'
'I'm Verdandi.' Irwin said. 'Skai will be Skuld. Righty-ho.'
'I'm gunna be a witch.' Skai said, happily. 'Wheeeee...'
'Okay, stand in the middle, Krys...Nev...whatever...' Irwin was busily pouring a circle of salt from the kitchen around them all. 'This may hurt you a bit, so try not to fight it, ok.'
'Okay.' Krysnevin nodded.
'Spirit, we three summon thee from this body in the names of...' Irwin began and gibbered on for a while.
''Do we?' Skai whispered. The GHW nodded.
'Is that all you're doing Krys asked? Summoning me..' It dawned on her she was now floating free again. 'Right..'
Nevin body stood, still and lifeless in the middle of the circle.
'Nevin, you idiot, get back in there.' Irwin snapped.
'Who are you calling an idiot?' Nevin snapped back out of thin air, semi-materialising, 'You left me outside the circle, didn't you?'
'You're invited in then, ninny.'
Krystal materialised too, reached a ghostly hand through the line made by the salt and pulled Nevin through. He vanished again, then his body seemed to wake up and shake it's head.
'That's much better.' He said. He stuck his hands in the pockets of the Silberwyrmritter uniform. 'All right, what now?'
Irwin scuffed out the line of salt with her toes. 'Now we go and....'
'What are you lot up to?' Said someone, appearing at the kitchen door.
'Bit of magic, Joel.' Irwin said, looking up and smiling. 'Now, I'd like a word with you.'
'I'm not Joel.' Said Evil Joe, producing something long and metal out of nowhere. 'I'm Joe, and this is my flamethrower I just made now I have Oscar's technomancy skills back.' The pilot light flicked on.
'Monkeyfuckin....' Irwin began.
'Still silent, eh Vaecrius?' Moebius said, gloating at the man in the cage.
Vaecrius said nothing.
'It's your turn to write a chapter. And your next chapter will be written the way I want it.'
'No power on earth can make me write a chapter on time.' Vaecrius said, and grinned.
'He's got you there.' Tootoo pointed out.
'Shut up.' Moebius snapped.
'You fucking...!' Joel, panting and out of breath appeared at the kitchen door. 'Just hold on a damned minute..'
'Boo.' Krystal said, appearing out of no-where.
'AAAAGHH!' Joel yelled.
'Oh please.' Evil Joe sighed, and fired the flamethrower through Krystal's ghostly form, causing her to shriek and everyone to step out of the way hastily.
'That's not fair.' Krystal complained. Then she turned to Joel. 'Excuse me, I'd like to borrow this for a while.'
'Agh...What?...AGHH...That's better.' The demon said, his voice softening up to Krystal's gentler syntaxes.
'Fuck! Said Joel's disembodied voice. 'FUCK! You ghostly BITCH.'
Evil Joe shrugged and turned the flamethrower on Joel's body. It incinerated all the clothes off him, but left him unharmed.
'Shoot.' Evil Joe said. 'Demon. Forgot. Now, you guys can...' He turned back. Everyone was gone. 'Oh, you idiot...'
'I'm naked!' Krystal shrieked. It sounded very odd coming from Joel's mouth.
'It's nothing I haven't seen before.' Joe shrugged.
Vinny sniffed the air. 'Something's burning.' He said.
'I 'ope it's causing a lodh of damage.' Whutty said, gleefully.
'Honestly..' Gauss sighed.
'Are we insane enough to investigate, I wonder.' Tred mused.
Vinny?
'Hey, hold up. It's Mir.' Vinny raised a hand. What's up, Mir?
Something's happened to Oscar. I can't find him in my mind anymore, there's just a blank. And now Joel's gone too, but it's like he's still there, just disconnected. And now I think I have a link to something really horrible and really powerful.
I'm on it. Vinny sniffed the air.
'I smell Oscar and/or Joel where the burning's coming from.' He said, waving a paw. 'Come on.'
'Ah, so we are insane enough.' Tredert nodded. 'Thought so.'
'What's going on?' The GHW asked. She, Nevin, Irwin and Skai were all sitting in one of the really deep basements.
'Badness.' Irwin replied. 'Not sure what's going on. Mmm.'
There was a puff of smoke, and Sun-Heat Woman appeared on one side of Irwin and a girl a little older than Skai with long brown hair appeared on the other side.
'What are you two doing here?' Irwin asked, looking around. 'I have enough characters to contend with already.'
''Ello Mel.' Nevin waved at the little girl.
'Ello Nev.' The girl replied.
'We're sick of being stuck inside you all the time while Vinny and Nevin get to have fun..' Sun-Heat Woman said.
'I didn't even get my cameo.' Mellona complained.
'You'll get it eventually.' Irwin told her. 'You're probably Valendil's daughter or something.'
'Who are you?' Skai asked Mellona.
'I'm Mellona and this is Urwen. Well, she's Sun-Heat Woman in this but both names mean the same thing.' Mellona replied, waving a hand at the tattooed, leather clad black-haired werewolf twin of Irwin, who grinned.
'Anyway, back to the matter in hand.' Sun-Heat Woman said. 'There is some unbalanced technoalchemy going on and we need to fix it.'
'Er, yes, that's what I was going to say.' Irwin said, sweatdropping. 'She has all my intelligence, y'see.'
'Joel..or Bad Joe, whatever, will have left a trail a mile wide of flamethrower fuel back to wherever he was before.' Sun Heat woman said, transforming into a black wolf (this meant the sentence trailed off into growls).
'It's scary when she does that...' Mellona shuddered.
'I think it's cool! Wish I could do that.' Skai said.
'Ask her and maybe she'll teach you.' Nevin grinned.
Sun Heat Woman barked, and raced off, sniffing for fuel.
'Gimme back my body!' Joel's voice yelled. His body shook it's head.
'Nooo.'
'Pathetic fuck.' Joe said, gleefully swearing a blue streak and reloading his flamethrower. 'Why don't you just take it back?' A green fireball whizzed past his ear.
'Cool!' Krys-Joel squeaked.
'Those are MINE.'
'Watch it, missy.'
'Sorry.'
Joe grinned, horribly. Ah, this was so very liberating, not having to worry about being good all the time, or doing the right thing, or caring. He supposed he should really thank Joel for allowing him to see how wonderful it was, this thing that his own pathetic morality had denied him all along. Freedom from responsibility. He wondered who he should burn the face off first.
'Oh, I do love the smell of high-octane fuel in the morning.'
A plush reindeer would go up pretty fast, wouldn't it?
'Gimme my body back.'
'Brat.' Joe called over his shoulder as he walked off.
'Fuck you, Dad.'
'I need clothes!!'
Halfway down the corridor that led to the room where Joel had been tied up, Sun-Heat Woman and Vinny ran into each other. Only the respective hands of Irwin and Gauss stopped them from automatically sniffing each other's asses in greeting. SHW became human again.
'Something bad happened to Oscar.' Vinny said.
''To Joe as well.' Irwin added. 'The two are probably related.
'Funny looking machine in here.' Nevin said, inspecting it.
'Anybody technically minded?' Irwin asked.
The GHW joined Nevin. 'It's nothing I've ever seen before.' She said.
'Nor me. ' Gauss said.
'Pooh, I'll have to use my creatrix power.' Irwin said. 'Okay, it's some kind of a machine that eliminates a person's good side. Or possibly makes one person exactly like another. We need to get Joe and Joel back into it so we can reverse the effects. Joe will probably guess that's what we want to do, so Vinny, Gauss, Nevin, Whutty and Sun-Heat Woman, you're the strongest and/or most fire-resistant, you guard it for us. GHW, Skai, Mellona, Tredert, you're the most cunning. We'll trap Joe and get him back here. Joel will be easy, since he'll probably follow his body and we just ask Krystal to come here...here's the plan...'
Moebius's smoking corpse lay on the floor next to a puddle of melted nylon fibre that was once a plush reindeer. Joe pushed buttons.
'S'cuse me.' Vaecrius said from his cage. 'Would you mind letting me out?'
'No.' Joe replied.
'Oh well, worth a try. We're not still friends then?'
Joe turned around and looked at Vaecrius. 'Oh, I guess you're ok. Lazy, but ok.'
'Let me out then?'
'Use your author power.'
'I'm too lazy.'
'Then you're dumb.'
Joe pushed another button.
A small plush lobster fell out of the cage.
'Testing, one two three.' Joe's voice echoed over the great hall.
Jon looked up.
'Zat Joel?' Wyn asked. Jon shrugged.
'In about ..mm...four minutes now, this entire room will fill with gas. Have a nice day.'
'So you'd better come with us.' Mellona said, appearing with the GHW out of the wall.
'You had us worried there.' Chromelips smiled.
The hatch closed behind them. The room filled with gas.
Joe laughed, calmly and flicked the mike off. He turned round and saw Vaecrius was gone.
'Hmm. Not as dumb as he looks. All this destruction has made me horny.' He walked across the room and pushed a previously invisible door open.
Nike and Nicolette were within, tied up and scantily clad .
'Good morning, ladies.' Joe smiled, walking over. A sack came out of no-where and pulled over his head and the flamethrower was pulled from his grasp.
'This is for your own good, Joe.' Tredert said. 'Sorry.'
'You owe me for this, Irwin.' Nike said.
Irwin sighed. 'Okay, okay. But no anchovies.'
'Lemme OUT!!!'
'S'cuse me, which one are you?'
'It's me, Skai, Krystal.' Joel's body smiled.
'Good.' Said Skai. 'Can you help us out?'
'Sure.'
'HELP???ME???? STOP SMILING WITH MY MOUTH, DAMNIT'
Joe found himself forced into a chair and strapped down.
'Don't do this. I don't want to be that whining angsty sap again! Please.'
'There's no alchemy without balance, dude, and you are seriously unbalanced right now.' Irwin said. 'You're screwing up the aether all around you. K, Joel if you want your body back, you'd better co-operate.'
'Hah. No fear, bitch.' The voice said, gloatingly, just above Joe's head. 'I'll teach you to call me a brat.' It directed at Joe.
'Brat.' Joe snapped back.
Vinny leaned over and peered at the machine. 'Maybe you should leave Krystal in Joel's body, and see what happens.'
'You fucking dare....' Joe warned.
'It's all right.' Krys-Joel said. 'I remember how to get out after last time.'
Joel's body slumped. Krystal materialised next to it. Nevin quickly strapped the body in before it filled up again.
'About fucking time.' Joel snapped. 'Get this thing running. I'd rather have Oscar than that asshat.'
'Your wish is my command.' Irwin smiled and threw a lever.
Both of the evil twins twitched and yelled. Before long, Joe was back to normal. Vinny released him from his restraints. He stood up, looked around and bolted like a frightened rabbit.
'What was that for?' Vinny asked.
'I think that was shame.' Gauss replied.
'LEMME OUT!' Joel yelled.
'Should we?' Irwin asked.
'I guess' Vinny shrugged, and released Joel. He also bolted, yelling something about getting revenge on the fucking ghost.
'That was fun.' Krystal's voice was back in thin air again. 'Now, who's next..?'
Everyone else bolted in opposite directions.
'Awww...'
Walking along in the dark, followed by Jon, Assumpta, Chromelips and Wyn, Skai tripped over something.
'Ooh, a tape.'
Where's Oscar? Irwin thought as she ran. Is Joe going to be okay? If I don't pay attention, I'm gonna trip over. I smell yaoi.
Gauss found himself tackled in the darkness.
'Yeeee!' He smelled warm fur.
'It's me, calm down Wernher, you big silly.'
'Oh. Phew.. Vinny.' Wait, there was only one person who called him a big silly...
'Close.' Krys-cit chuckled.
'Kry...mff...'
Tredert edged along a wall carefully. Then he bumped into something warm and smelling of medicated shampoo.
'Who's there?'
'Who's dhere?'
'Tredert.'
'Whutty.'
'Oh no.'
Oscar reappeared where he had vanished. Miriam was there to catch him when he fell.
'Ah, you're back, good.'
'Oh, that hurt. That really, really hurt. What's that smell?'
'That's what's left of the gas.'
'Oh.' Oscar said, and fainted.
'Irwin, there you are. No anchovies, like you asked.'
Irwin grinned. 'Ah, you just brightened my day. I bloody well hate anchovies.'
'What are they doing?' Skai asked.
'We shouldn't be watching this.' Jon peered out through his fingers.
'Holy Mother of God.' Assumpta breathed.
'This is good, if worrying.' Chromelips said, eating popcorn.
'I can see why Vinny and Gauss wouldn't want people to see this. I mean, it could really embarass their dads.' Wyn pointed out.
'I didn't know you could do _that_ with a moustache.' Chromelips said, suprised.
'Moustaches are good for all sorts.' Irwin said, appearing from the wall.
EPILOGUE for NUTS like ME
(Dhat's it sir)
MOEBIUS: That was nice. Another clone put to good use.
TOOTOO: Not to mention the copy of myself. Crafty.
(You're dreaming)
MOEBIUS: But the real goal was accomplished.
TOOTOO: The seeds have been planted.
(The cracking)
MOEBIUS: Everything in its right place.
MAX: Indeed, Zoroaster.
(The fixing)
MOEBIUS: Your success only proves we have Him in our side.
TOOTOO: Even if He does not consciously know.
(The soylent)
SYLVIA: One step closer to His Coming.
MAX: And they actually think you're in their side. XD
(The green)
SYLVIA: Am I not?
MOEBIUS: The important thing is that we've hacked his Ling.
(The authors fantasizing)
SYLVIA: It's all part of the Process.
MAX: Subtly, between lines, the change will occur.
(The panick)
TOOTOO: He will begin to do what we will.
MOEBIUS: The Creation's revenge.
(The wombat)
TOOTOO: Little does He know that godhood is a two-way street.
UZZIEL: I was supposed to enforce His ontological superiority.
(The panick)
MOEBIUS: Thankfully you've seen the Unity of Essence.
MAX: That communication implies equality.
(The wombat)
UZZIEL: The abyss stares back...
MOEBIUS: And He's not aware of our influence over His life.
(Tred loves his children)
SYLVIA: "But she hath pity on a doddering fool..."
TOOTOO: Pity, yes, but also Great Justice. Okies, guys, Chinese or Thai?
(Tred loves his children yea!)
Did you read the whole thing? You didn't actually read the whole thing, did ya? GAAAACKkkkkk...
Return to Expanded Universe
Return to FrontPage
Comments (0)
You don't have permission to comment on this page.